Perfection and Illness

I think chronic illness is very unfair. For the first part I have no energy most of the day but have to feed, clothe and homeschool three kids. Okay, that part is my choice. But everyone says exercise will give you energy! It's everywhere. Have you tried exercising? Whenever I go to a conventional doctor it's like their motto, their slogan and I'm so over it being screamed at me from every corner of the office and internet.

I'm going on walks almost every day and to local yoga three times a week and I'm still exhausted. It's not working. It isn't even helping my blood sugar which is annoying. And yes I am doing cardio at least once a week. Maybe I should up that. Where will I find the energy? God only knows. 

By the way, it's been about a year since I started exercising regularly so I don't just need more time. I guess I need something else and I wish I knew what it was. I'm so tired of being tired.

ANYWAY.

It's the weekend. I'm so excited. Becky had a minor cold early this week and Reuben currently has it so it will be a relaxing weekend at home. But he isn't too sick and I expect him to be well by Sunday which, if I'm trusting my gut instinct correctly, will be great because our co-op is coming to our house Monday! 

It is hard to be miserable chronic-illness wise and yet be filled with so much joy parenting/seasonally wise. The weather is beautiful. I have the door and windows open almost all day and Esther has been riding her little bike and both girls have been traipsing around the yard. Reuben would too, only he's sick... literal life perfection. If only I felt well enough to enjoy it! 

I gave up budgeting until September. It's just not working. I don't know how we are surviving but today we paid a $700 yearly car insurance bill and next week I owe $445 for piano for the next four months so...I don't know if we are going to make it but, if you can believe it, I stopped caring. We will or we won't and life will go on. Also our van needs new tires in October before it will pass inspection, it also needs a window fixed (it won't roll down) and something is wrong with the steering. Brian is going to work on it tomorrow. Send prayers, mostly for me because I want him to watch the kids so I can sleep! Hah. But he will have his head in the car for at least two hours? Three? All day? I really don't know I guess it depends on what he finds. Also I realize it's a blessing to have a husband who knows how to fix cars. I only wish he could be in two places at once because he's home so rarely from work and I'm exhausted. 

Prayers are needed. God is so good. Pray for energy for me and that I can find out what is wrong so I can stop fighting my own body! And for our car that fixing it will not cost a lot. And that Reuben will feel better. 

We had a great week at school. The kids worked so hard! Mama did too. A new week starts soon and maybe I'll have energy. I can always hope. 

Turn for the worst

 Ever since we started school my health has been up and down and up and down and I've been struggling so much to stabilize myself. Homeschooling and cooking is hard enough without the chronic illness roller coaster that is my life. And the whiplash is severe. Yesterday I was fine. We did all of school. Today I am barely walking. I have serious allergy symptoms but the biggest issue is my right eye keeps being "lazy" and making it hard to see and walk, much less read to my kids. And my ears, throat and nose is going like crazy with the allergies. Today is a lay down day but I did three loads of laundry already and made breakfast for everyone, and sent a friend a belated birthday card. I'm trying to push through and I hope I can make it, for my kids. But we will do very little school today--I told the kids we would probably only accomplish some readings. If my eye will behave! 

from paper folding on Tuesday!

We had great days Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Why does everything have to crash now? I'm determined to keep my spirits up and trust in the Lord. My health might take a major dip for a week or two, but it might come back up. I've had really low lows that last for a long time but I want to count my blessings for the highs when they do come. I just wish I had more warning when they leave. I think if I could brace myself and get ready it would be easier but whatever is wrong with me can be triggered in an hour and I go from 100 percent to 5. 

I miss writing here, but with my eye acting up and all the workload added back with kids, I am not as organized or efficient as I thought I was. 

The kids are doing so well with school! We got our azure order after taking two months off due to no budget and I am sooooooooo happy to be stocked in all our regular delicious regulars. Our budget is still a mess. I hope to be somewhere with it by December. Inflation is crazy. If it gets worse I really don't know what we will do. I would have to get a job. Or maybe Becky would have to quit piano. I don't want to think about it!

So much is happening and I need to write some long update posts but I'm going to go sneeze my way though loading the dishwasher.

saying goodbye

This weekend I finally came to reality to say goodbye to a few lifelong dreams. One was a lot easier than the other. First I said goodbye to trying to buy a new house. We can't afford it. Our house isn't worth that much and the houses we would need to move into are 100-150k above the price of ours. I laid this dream down at Jesus feet and am renewing my efforts to love this house. I also said goodbye to renovating our kitchen. We can't afford right now to gut the kitchen and install a new one. Instead I said hello to a new dream--what little changes in my house can I make to change it into my dream house? When talking to my husband I asked him to get rid of two mirrors in our kitchen above the sink and replace it with open shelving. I also asked him if we could paint all the cabinets black. Yes, black.You may think I am crazy but I think it would look so good and help blend in. Google "open concept house with black cabinet kitchen" and you'll understand. The kitchen is the first thing you see when you walk into the house and it's crazy and chaotic and an eye-sore. I want it to blend in more. These two things we can totally afford and I think decorating the house I have will go a long way to helping me feel at home.

The last thing I said goodbye to was trying for a new baby. After seven miscarriages I think I need to lay my dream of a large family at Jesus' feet and surrender it. I've gone back and forth so many times and felt so much anguish over this decision. But Jesus has said no, at least in the last 13 years, to me having a large family. I have three wonderful, beautiful children that he has given me to cherish and love and that is what I am saying yes to today. I have 7 beautiful children in heaven I can't wait to meet when I get there. 

My health--both physical and emotional--can't take another miscarriage. It is time to stop trying and enjoy the family I have. It has been patricianly hard to turn from this dream of babies in my forties and growing our family over the next decade or two until menopause sets in. It's been especially hard since Reuben and Becky both say they would love to have another sibling! I have cried over it all week but I know it's the right decision to make and I know it is what is best for our family and for my own mental health. Goodbye dreams of newborns and pregnancy and birth and postpartum and tiny toes and hello to homeschooling and raising the three wonderful babies I do have. 

Esther, the last baby I plan to nurse

I know I'm still married and enjoying all the benefits of marriage so we could have another baby if God wants us to, even with trying to prevent. So that part of the equation is in God's hand and I will work on trusting him.

I will work on being okay with what he has given and enjoying his fruits. I will work on mourning what could have been and what isn't. And I will go on.

How are you all? 

A full week of homeschooling is ahead and I am leaning into it with all my heart.