saying goodbye

This weekend I finally came to reality to say goodbye to a few lifelong dreams. One was a lot easier than the other. First I said goodbye to trying to buy a new house. We can't afford it. Our house isn't worth that much and the houses we would need to move into are 100-150k above the price of ours. I laid this dream down at Jesus feet and am renewing my efforts to love this house. I also said goodbye to renovating our kitchen. We can't afford right now to gut the kitchen and install a new one. Instead I said hello to a new dream--what little changes in my house can I make to change it into my dream house? When talking to my husband I asked him to get rid of two mirrors in our kitchen above the sink and replace it with open shelving. I also asked him if we could paint all the cabinets black. Yes, black.You may think I am crazy but I think it would look so good and help blend in. Google "open concept house with black cabinet kitchen" and you'll understand. The kitchen is the first thing you see when you walk into the house and it's crazy and chaotic and an eye-sore. I want it to blend in more. These two things we can totally afford and I think decorating the house I have will go a long way to helping me feel at home.

The last thing I said goodbye to was trying for a new baby. After seven miscarriages I think I need to lay my dream of a large family at Jesus' feet and surrender it. I've gone back and forth so many times and felt so much anguish over this decision. But Jesus has said no, at least in the last 13 years, to me having a large family. I have three wonderful, beautiful children that he has given me to cherish and love and that is what I am saying yes to today. I have 7 beautiful children in heaven I can't wait to meet when I get there. 

My health--both physical and emotional--can't take another miscarriage. It is time to stop trying and enjoy the family I have. It has been patricianly hard to turn from this dream of babies in my forties and growing our family over the next decade or two until menopause sets in. It's been especially hard since Reuben and Becky both say they would love to have another sibling! I have cried over it all week but I know it's the right decision to make and I know it is what is best for our family and for my own mental health. Goodbye dreams of newborns and pregnancy and birth and postpartum and tiny toes and hello to homeschooling and raising the three wonderful babies I do have. 

Esther, the last baby I plan to nurse

I know I'm still married and enjoying all the benefits of marriage so we could have another baby if God wants us to, even with trying to prevent. So that part of the equation is in God's hand and I will work on trusting him.

I will work on being okay with what he has given and enjoying his fruits. I will work on mourning what could have been and what isn't. And I will go on.

How are you all? 

A full week of homeschooling is ahead and I am leaning into it with all my heart. 

My 10-Item Summer Wardrobe

I have been loving this challenge. My first rendition of it was such an amazing blessing-- no decision fatigue in the morning and everything goes with everything. 10 out of 10 recommend. 

I'm still breastfeeding Esther either 5 for 15 times a day, I swear this child is giving my boobs whiplash! I plan to wean it out around Christmas but who knows. Since she is most likely my last baby perhaps I will nurse her until 3. 

Above, we have my shirts and dresses. I have four linen shirts. I wear the first two, the blue floral and the gold shirt the most. I have only worn the white daisy crop top once. It was kinda an impulse buy and belongs to teenage me. But I can still enjoy it a bit. Of the dresses, I wear the one on the far right with the checks the most. The other three get worn perhaps once or twice a month. Usually I am in the blue check dress...it's my favorite. In full disclosure I have two of them, one in XL and a 1X because I wear it so often. One week I wore it four times. I only count it as one item. It's literally the same.

I have three pairs of pants and three skirts. One of my pairs of pants doesn't fit me anymore. It's shrank in the wash, I haven't grown. The pants are a 1X so I am baffled that this happened, but I guess it does. They are too tight in the thighs. They say 1X but run small--they are about an XL. Maybe now that they shrank they are a L.

The two pants that fit. I have a brown pair that doesn't.

Two of my skirts are too big and I have to safety pin them now which makes them look funny. I haven't weighed myself and I don't think I have lost weight, but apparently I have, somewhere? Or the skirts grew, which I don't think can happen. (Linen, that I wash?) So. While I have 3 skirts and 3 pants in my wardrobe, I can only wear 2 of the pants and 1 of the skirts and thats what I am counting towards my "ten items". 

I need to save up to replace them with a size down next spring if I don't gain any weight over the winter. 

skirts. the brown and green are too big now, the rust colored one fits!

That makes 11 wearable items in my wardrobe and 14 total. I have four cardigans as extras as well, light summery ones. I don't really wear them right now, it's been 90 out! But they are there. 

I am loving the 10-item wardrobe. My mind is free, my choices seem endless and I am happy. My laundry is minimal. I don't know how to express how much weight this takes off my day. I don't have to buy new things (I still do sometimes though but have noticed I usually donate or gift it again very quickly) and I truly love each item in my closet. This is a blessing and I am never going back.

Fall is just around the corner! I'll probably do like I did in Spring--for awhile I had Spring and Summer in my closet, each on one side while the weather was doing its schizophrenic thing--and it worked so well. Warm? Go to the left. Cold? Go to the right. Warm but cold later? Layers are your friend.

Is this helping me love my body more? That was one of the reason I started--I hated that my closet was full of things I loved but that wouldn't fit me. I think I will struggle with loving my postpartum body (Three times post now!) until I heal my diastases recti. I'm working on that too. But my bloating is down and I am feeling better. Getting rid of everything that didn't fit me, no matter how much I loved it--really helped. 

The kids are doing the 15 item wardrobe this fall and, well, only one of them excited. I won't make them do it but our budget is really limited and I'm not sure they have much choice? Anyway, in our house we have a try it once rule, and so we will try it once. I'm going to vlog their wardrobe choices, if they want me too! If I grew two inches or more a year, I'd need a whole new wardrobe too. Oh to be 12 again! 

See ya all later, I'm going to play Animal Crossing.

Budget July 27-Aug 9

I'm combining two weeks to get caught up. Also you might be like, how can you post a budget when it's August 4th? Because we spent all the money by August 2, so...we are enjoying a few days of a no spend challenge. Adulting is such fun.

What We Spent July 27-Aug 9

Budget: $1400

• Pandora Subscription: $13
• Trash Pickup: $26
• Brian Phone $35
• Internet $20
• Credit Card Payment $246
• Nintendo Game for Reuben (downloaded) $10
• Walmart Gas $32
• Savings $100
• Tithe
• Azure $300
• PJs x2 for Each Child: $72
• Cleets for flag for Eldest Child plus pair of slip on shoes: $118
• Walmart Groceries: $217
• Gamestop: $52
• Foodlion Run: $18

After all that we had $72 left and I bought becky a pair of sandals on our credit card with a pair of shoes for Esther and a pair of shoes for Reuben that was over the amount of money sooo... I'm going to put that on next week. 

In my defense, I wanted to get all the fall shoe buying done all at once! Everyone's feet changed sizes. Becky is a 2 now, Reuben is a woman's 7.5 (he's half a size away from me!!!) and Esther is a toddler 9. Now they all have fall shoes on the way and I think their mama is the most excited.  Anyway, it was fine and will fit in next weeks budget BUT spending before the week hits its never a good idea. I don't know why I do it except for that I have a hard time waiting and because I can.  

Once again we spent all the money in the budget. I really want a week where I'm like wow, we have 500 left over! But I have only myself (and I guess my husband, we shop mostly together) to blame. 

matching so cute

So, I suppose I could have tried to thrift the PJs. I went to goodwill twice last month and tried that and found one pair for Esther but nothing for the other two. So I just bought them new from the Carter's website which I think is pretty affordable, they have sets of 2 for only $24. And they have good sales. But this is me criticizing my budget after the fact and yes, I could have spent more time searching for deals. But I'm not perfect and it was easy just to order them and I know the quality of their cotton Pjs are fantastic.  

My husband is the one who took the kids to GameStop and he picked up another copy of Animal Crossing New Horizons so we can play together, and he also got a squishy hello kitty ball for Becky which wasn't needed. 

For Walmart we stuck to only food items with one exception: Esther got a fuzzy bluey blanket. She needs a blanket now that she is older and I don't worry about her suffocating herself, and with fall coming it seemed like a good idea. But we could have waited.

And that's a wrap. What did you buy this week? It's kinda crazy to put this online but I am learning a lot by writing it all down and when I know I have to report it later, it does help me say no to things I know I really don't need.