I am a stay at home wife.
You would not believe the flack I get when people realize I do not work outside my home! I get comments from "Well, I have a real job" to, "it must be nice to be lazy all day". Most assume that I lightly turn on the washer, scrub a few counters, plop myself in front of the TV and munch on a bag of chips while nonchalantly rifling through the newest issue of Cosmopolitan. I've even had people tell me that I am lazy and a burden to my husband; why don't I get off my butt and get a job? One acquaintance even asked if I thought I was better then her, since she works a 9-5 and I don't. Apparently being a stay at home mom or stay at home wife means I look down on those who choose to or are financially obligated to work.
Being a stay-at-home wife does not mean I am judging any non stay-at-home women. It does not mean I am somehow a better christian or person then any other woman or man who works.
Being a stay-at-home wife is a decision my husband and I made together, taking into account what we wanted for our family and how we wanted to partition our roles.
My husband is an extremely hard worker. On average he works 50-60 hours a week. He does not have time to cook. He does not have time to do laundry or clean the house. I do all the chores for our household. (I talk more about that decision here if you are interested in specifics)
If I was working, managing a household on top of a full time job would be extremely difficult. This is not to say it couldn't be done--it is and has been done by many people--but the way my husband and I wanted to structure our household was for me to be the primary homeworker. In order to cut back on stress and for me to have enough time to keep up with our house and prepare all meals, I needed to be a stay at home wife. He also needs me to be here and take care of those issues so he can then completely focus on work.
Another reason we chose to stay at home also revolves around my husbands schedule, but in a more trivial, personal category. He works Monday through Friday. This means that he has weekends off. The weekend is really the only time we get to spend together as a couple, the only time I usually get to "see" him. I did have a job when we first got married and there was no possible way that my job would give me both Saturday and Sunday off. No job that I know of will give an individual both days of the weekend off--it just isn't done and would be unfair to other employees who would also want those days off.
Because I am now free on the weekends we are able to sleep in and snuggle together. We are able to take trips and go camping on Fridays without worrying about my job or hours! I cherish these weekends with my hubby, the stolen moments where we can live our lives and be unified together. This time helps keep our relationship intact and keep us intimately connected.
Perhaps the greatest factor that helped me be a stay-at-home wife is that I felt lead by God to be one. This is a touchy subject, because I know not all stay-at-home-wives are Christians, nor do I expect them to be. The truth is I feel very comfortable being at home and taking care of my husband and helping others with my time instead of being paid for clocking hours. I know that I am doing the right thing. Daily I pray that I am doing what God wants me to do--and I am not the least bit stressed about my position or embarrassed about my status as a stay-at-home wife.
Perhaps the final point of my stay-at-home status is the direction I want to take my life. I want to eventually own my own business. Right now its just a small Etsy shop, but that shop is my passion and my dream. Staying at home allows me to work towards my goal of being a small business owner and gives me time to grow creativity and plan projects. If I had another "Outside" job I would never be able to give my business the attention it needs to flourish.
Oh, and yes, with only one of us working we do have less money then if both of us worked. But money is not what I am pursuing with the time God has given me, and my husband and I are frugal enough to live off of one income. Please do not think I am saying that if you work you are not frugal and are just interested in money. What I'm saying is that my husband and I can easily live of his salary. We don't go hungry. He makes enough money to provide all the necessities and pay for our bills. I thrift everything--I can't remember the last time I've bought something that was new. We choose to not have internet at home and to live without cable in order to save money. These decisions help us live off one one salary. When its wants vs. needs, I clearly value my time to choose to forgo many "wants" in my already consumer-saturated life in order to follow God's plan for my life.
The truth is, no matter what you decided to do with your life--that's your own personal decision and a decision you and your family unit must make together. It's really not anyone's business, ey?
Check out my other stay-at-home wife posts! I wrote about what I love, things I struggle with, and my thoughts on what you need in order to be a stay-home wife.
87 comments:
Good for you! I want to be a stay-at-home wife when I get married. But that probably won't happen right away cause I'm trying to pay off my debts. My fiance and I do know eventually he wants to be the sole bread winner. And I agree with you it's a choice each couple needs to make.
once upon a time i was married. it didn't work out. anyways. at that time i was a stay-at-home-something. i too have an online business and it started to consume me. and i think that is probably where it all fell apart really. but anyways. we never sat down and divided anything or organized who does what so our dwelling was a nightmare. all the time. and in my current relationship (not married, but living together) we haven't done it now either. i kinda feel like men just assume when you're with them you'll do all the housework. i'm still a stay-at-home-something but i focus on my online stuff a LOT. we don't talk about finances, or chores, or any of that stuff so the house has kinda been taken over by clutter (bah). i think a lot of couples that do organize their obligations in the home probably end up lasting a lot longer (i.e. forever). i think i have fear of confrontation though, since i don't bring in the big bucks. and i'm too scared to be on my own. but anyways. my story is getting long, i just wanted to say i've been there, and i totally would support you. living in a yucky over-cluttered house gives you a yucky over-cluttered mind and makes for yucky relationships. i think people do actually say something akin to how people treat the places they live in is how they treat people in life. but i'm not sure it goes exactly like that. anyways. ttfn!
coming from another stay-at-home-wife (soon to be mommy)...some people have been really ugly to me because I stay at home...but just like you, Ryan has such a terrible schedule and when we both worked the house stuff would get left until at night after work or on the weekends. It was miserable. So now we are so happy that I stay home and know this is right for us. I love it and I love having everything taken care of so any of Ryan's free time is actually FREE to just spend time with me (:
I understand, dear :) As you know, currently Will works full time and I stay at home. I get a lot of unwanted flack (mostly from family) about it. A lot of, "Are you ever going to finish school?" and, "Why don't you just go out and get a job?" as if one can simply do that. Will and I talk about it a lot, and he loves that I am staying home at this time and figuring out what it is I want to do and working on things I love doing (my blog) versus going out and getting any job I can find (that won't pay well and that I would be unhappy with). Plus, like you, it gives us the whole weekend to be together. I do see myself finishing school and working from home in the future, but for now this IS what works for us. People outside our relationship never seem to understand that.
I consider myself a stay at home wife...though I suppose it's not really true since I go to school 40 hours a week. But still, I want to be one! :) That's our eventual goal--I for sure want to stay home when we have kids, and maybe even sooner like that. For many similar reasons. It makes sense for us financially. We can live on Angel's income alone, and I'm not interested in making more money just for the sake of making more money (Of course, I know children are expensive, that's why Angel's in school, because it will be much easier to be a one-income family with children when he has his Master's Degree). I love the flexibility. (Well, not at the moment because I have a 40 hour commitment) But if I don't have a job or school, we only have to think about his schedule when we want to pick up and travel. If we want to move to a new state, we only have to worry about him getting a job.
It's a huge privilege to be financially able to stay home--and what I've learned from working 40 hours a week cutting hair at school is that I don't like having a full-time work schedule. It doesn't give me the freedom I want to have in life. I intend to work in a salon when I graduate, but hopefully part time, if part time positions are available. With my current schedule, I can't be gone for 40 hours, get all the appropriate housework done, and fully pursue my dream of a writing career--I'm definitely looking forward to having more time for the things I consider important in life! And I'm glad that Angel supports my dream--he knows my heart and my passion for words, and that passion is important to him, too!
Loved this post! I think it's so ironic how much society has changed in the past 50 or 60 years. People used to look down on women if they weren't stay at home wives, and now people look down on women if they are!
Anyway, if I get married, I truly hope that I'll be able to be a stay at home wife and eventually mother.
My thoughts exactly! I love your writing and can't wait to see where it takes you!! I'm so happy to also have a supportive husband.
It makes me so mad when people, even family, try to but thir own ideas on to my family like they have a right... I know some family members mean well but I would never try to tell anyone what to do!! When complete strangers tell me to get a job or question my choices I usually just stare I. Shock or sweetly tell them that I'm glad I'm not married to them! Hah. Your amazing no matter what you decide to do :)
Totally know where you are coming from! Hugs!!
Wow so many thoughts! Online businesses rock :) I appreciate your honesty and support! I support you as well :) I will say that sometimes I am bothered a bit by not making as near enough money has my spouse but I'm having so much fun and am not miserable like I was before so then I automatically start realizing how lucky I am! One of the reasons I love my husband and knew he was the one is that we can practically talk about everything. I dated a man for four years who this was not possible with and sadly we broke up! But everyone is different! I'm of the mind that if it bothers me I clean it. I guess because I know my husband won't! Lol :)
When I was living with my parents and sharing the housework, I admit I kinda looked down on stay-at-home wives/moms...but now that I'm living on my own and working, I realize taking care of the house really IS a job within itself! It's kinda tough having two jobs! haha
Personally though, I hate housework and would really like to find someone who would be a good stay-at-home hubby/dad while I work. :)
It seems that whenever I tell people I stay home with the kids, they tell me how hard I work or how should I get paid a lot of money. It's like they're trying to make up for the people who may not support me.
I think what you're doing is AWESOME. That is our ultimate goal, but we both also feel I just need to work right now, and I'm fine with that. I look forward to the day when I can stay home-with or without kids. I get so much more satisfaction and joy out of cooking and cleaning and taking care of our home than I ever do at work. People these days are nasty about it, but let them be. I'm just glad I won't have to work AND manage a household forever. It's exhausting.
Thanks for making this post... I stumbled on this after doing a google search (the rest of your site is also very awesome). I'm a stay-at-home-wife and I've been struggling with it a little. I'm just finishing up a master's degree that I won't ever use and just got married. I am a group fitness instructor but right now - I'm only carrying one class. Other instructors really give me the stink eye and treat me like I'm carrying a lethal disease when they hear I don't work outside the home. Its nice to know I'm not alone and I'm not a drag!
My choice to stay at home caused a huge rift with family... some didn't come to my wedding because of it.
I randomly landed upon your blog and am glad that I did! I recently quit my full-time corporate position of almost 6 years. My husband and I both worked full time (and then some) most of our married lives and let me tell you.... we had quite a bit of money but everything else was suffering! We fought a lot, it was nearly impossible to keep up with house chores, maintenance, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. and overall nothing felt balanced or "right". Earlier this year I had a miscarriage and that was the last straw. I quit my job 3 months ago and things are so different now. We both feel so much more peace. Yes, we've had to sacrifice financially, but things are so much better. I'm almost finished with my Master's in Counseling and I'm ready to let God truly lead me because when I was trying to do it myself, I was not happy. Thanks for your post! People need to stop judging each other. To each his own!!
Such a positive blog and outlook. I live with my boyfriend and we just moved to the Midwest from San Diego, allowing him to expand his business, (he buys then renovates homes and rents them out), giving us the financial freedom where I don't need a job, ever. I struggled with this idea and well...still am. I wasn't one to jump on the bandwagon and be open to this idea however whoever I would speak to whether it be family or friends has nothing but negative things to say. 'I don't see you as a house-girlfriend not even wife or fiancé'....' You have so much potential' I think they say this as a concern but there's no need for those words to be said.... I would never say those things to someone let alone a friend!! I'm a recent college graduate in Economics. Nonetheless you brought ease to my mind, so thanks
Thank you :) I also have a degree in English! I totally know how you feel. :)
I totally understand! It was so hard to get everything done the way my husband and I wanted it when we both worked! Its much easier and less stressful this way! We used to fight over dishes, messy house--and it would make me so irritable! I love the way we have now designed our household! :) Thank you for your comment and God bless!
Hugs! That sounds very difficult. My husbands parents also did not attend our wedding, but for different reasons. That is something I still struggle with forgiving them over.
You don't have to justify yourself to us or to anyone. If you are happy doing what you're doing then carry on. Take good care of your husband and have a long and happy marriage xxxx
I was searching stay at home wife and came across this post. I'm taking on the stay at home role this coming Friday. The love of my life lives in South Carolina, and when we met, I was living in Idaho, but made the decision a few months ago, it was time for me to call it quits and move back home (Florida). During that time, me and my now fiancé made the decision we are ready for the next step and start living together. Since I'm relocating and wasn't able to transfer my job, we both agreed collectively that, for the time being, I will be a stay at home wife. Yes, I will be actively seeking a job. But, my fiancé isn't worried about that. He's a southern man that believes it's his job to hold the house down financially. He prefers I stay home full time or if we need to seek extra income, he doesn't want me doing anything full time. I'm 29 years old and worked full time since I was 18 years old. I've dated men that didn't work and didn't do anything in the house. One previous relationship, I made $4 more than he did. This is a new experience for me, and I've never had this situation before. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I love my fiancé and I don't want to feel like a burden. But, this is something we both agreed to. He is thrilled with this, he wanted me to come home much sooner. He knows, in essence, he's saving more money since he won't be eating out anymore, he has his woman at home to get dinner ready. He knows he will always come home to a clean house, laundry done, and the cat (our daughter) will be taken care of. Now that I am transitioning into this role, I now see I was incredibly critical of the whole "stay at home wife" title. I too thought that they was lazy (being totally honest here). But now, I have taken on that role, and I see that being a stay at home is a full time job with overtime. Hubby comes home, his job is done. We are still working, dinner won't cook itself and it's not always done by 5pm. We have to tend to our men's needs as well. I am so much more appreciative of what this is, and my fiancé appreciates that I am willing to step down off the Miss Independent pedestal, and become a stay at home wife. Working women won't understand this until they are faced with it. I am now that woman, so now I completely get it.
Thanks for your comment! It was a bit different at first, but I love having the freedom to spend my weekends with my husband! There are times where I have felt like a burden but I try to keep myself busy--and there have also been times where my husband has confessed he also has felt like a burden, as I wash all his clothes and fix all his meals. :P We each give and take and that is what makes life so beautiful.
Yay other woman who understand how I feel!!! lol! I have been so aggravated lately when everyone wants to know "so what do you do all day?" It's a loaded question, no matter my answer it's not going to be a good enough reason for them. It's weird because as much as my husband and I are content with our life, other people aren't and to think that they would want to make me feel discontent is just strange to me. But finding this post has made me so happy to know I'm not the only one feeling this way! Thanks for posting!
I totally know how you feel! I totally hate the what do you do question...sigh! :)
'Don't call yourself a stay at home wife. Call yourself an entrepreneur.
I'm not really an entrepreneur--I put staying at home and taking care of my husband before my tiny business, and I usually make less then 200$ a month from what I do. That is why I identify more with a stay-at-home wife now then any sort of entrepreneur. I've also used "writer" because I am writing a book and I did write a sewing E-book, but as I'm not formally published. I am the least business savvy person you'll probably ever meet, if that helps explains why I don't use the term "entrepreneur". Sometimes I say, oh, I dabble in hobbies in my spare time. :P Personally, I find the "what do you do" question sort of rude, at least when I've just met someone for the first time. I suppose through the person just wants to learn about me, and that is the easiest way to do it.
Thank you for this, I am about to quit my full time job move up North with hubby..and going adventure out, well in..and be a stay at home wife! Granted, think most people are just jealous of those who get to stay at home, imagine though it will be full time job still;) But its of my choosing this time!
Finally found fellow SAHW! I used to work too but after I got married to a Minister, I have to resign/retire. Many people understand but it's quite difficult to explain it to those who don't. It's not a step back from female empowerment. I was presented with a choice and that choice led me to where I am now. More often than not, I really don't owe anyone an explanation. :D Thank you for sharing your post! Glad to see I'm not alone .
Thanks for doing this blog. I, too, am a stay at home wife with no kids. When my husband and I first married I worked for 6 months. I found it very stressful. After I quit, it helped my marriage immensely. I am so much happier. The sad thing, is the snotty and rude comments I get from people. I truly believe it is jealousy. I just try to avoid those types of people.
Kim, just wanted to tell you congrats! I have been a stay at home wife for 2 years now. It is the best decision I could have made for my family.
Hannah, when they ask respond in one of two ways:
1)Why do you ask
2)Sit around and eat bon bons all day ( when they say "no really", say really until they drop it)
I can't believe the audacity of some to be so rude about a person's choice. I get comments like "you must be so bored at home!" or "just watching TV all day, huh?" *facepalm*
I am a stay at home mom and wife. Your blog is excellent! I too decided with my husband that we were called by God to have the roles we do. How much more beautifully our family functions since I quit working and decided at least one of us needed to make taking care of our home and children our full time job.
I needed this. I have a job interview tomorrow and I keep feel like God is telling me that I need to be at home. Thank you!
I'm glad you liked my post! I love my choice to stay at home and I totally feel like its the right one for me. <3
This is great! I felt guilty when I had kids at home and didn't work. I started staying home when my oldest was 5 years old. He is now 26 years old. He attended the Naval Academy and is now an officer in the Navy. My younger son ( 22 years of age) is a Division 1 College wrestler and lives at home. My husband works long hours Monday through Thursday so I take care of the home. This includes everything and I mean everything! We have 3 rental properties that I manage, cook all the meals, clean the house, do the laundry ( with a college wrestler that works out constantly) mow the law , manage the 5 acres that we sell in hay. Take all 4 cars in to be serviced, walk our two bird hunting dogs, do all the grocery shopping, pay the bills and yes iron all my husband's shirts for work and bathe the dogs after hunting. And pretty much all meals are home made, no scalloped potatoes out of the box. I don't buy shredded cheese, grate it myself, wash cars, don't take it to the car wash, clean out the camper and take care of a 3600 square foot house. I don't feel guilty at all, especially when my husband comes home and tells me that I work harder than any of his employees. My friends also say the same thing, I work harder than anyone they know. So when they are at work checking out Facebook, shopping on the Internet or whatever they are doing..... No, I am not sitting on the couch, watching ,Days of Our Lives"and eating Bon bons, I am usually on the road grabbing a bite to eat or, if I at home, I am walking t around the counter as I eat, while you are out to an hour lunch with your colleagues. I am currently looking for a job, so I don't have to do everything around here. Trust me, I work my a.. off.
Question- how should a husband feel? Wife is a stay home mom for last 10 yrs. both kids have been in school for 2 years now. The house is a mess to the point it is gross. Laundry not done kids have to scramble for clothes every morning as does dad. Kitchen stay dirty until weekend where I end up cleaning the dishes for the week.
Hmm, I would say if a husband is dealing with that, then he needs to talk to his wife. From your comment, it sounds like your wife might be going through some type of depression. Or, she may not see "clean" the way that you see "clean". When my husband and I first got married, he really liked the coffee table cleared off in the house--if there was clutter on it, he would perceive the house as "dirty". Took me awhile to realize this and also took him awhile to find a way to communicate this. I would say, talk to your wife. She may need help. If it was me, and I was leaving the house dirty--it would be me trying unconsciously to show you I felt neglected. The best way my husband makes me feel loved is when he does one of my chores even when he does not have to without guilt tripping me over it. Or even just picking up his clothes when he gets home and changes, instead of leaving them in a pile in the living room.
I would say talk to your wife. Get a baby sitter and take her out somewhere to sit in the dark in your car (not in public) and just talk to her about this. See what she is feeling, and what problems are causing this symptom of being messy/not cleaning. It could be as simple as she does not see it, or something deeper, like depression.
Just my thoughts, I'm no expert. Hugs!
wow, you work harder then me! Go girl! :D
I've felt so alone lately since I'm the only stay at home wife I know. You have been a God sent!
I love this post. I totally have to agree, with it all. I am a SAHW-no children, and I feel that since I began staying home there is so much less stress in my home and marriage. I'm glad other people feel the same way, the divorce rate is so high but people will totally judge my decision. I appreciate this blog, makes me feel not alone :).
I don't know any other stay at home wives either, I'm so glad to know there are others out there that feel the exact same way! :)
I just got married 2 months ago and I am a SAHW! It's a weird feeling because I am trying set a schedule for myself so I don't feel like I am being "lazy". I remember telling my husband while were dating that I would like to stop working, start my own business or work Part-Time. We're not rich but he makes a decent living and we both have mothers that help us out when they can.
It worries me a bit because I don't want him to stress and I try to find ways to save us money. But I told him if he needs me to work I will. The past 3 job positions I have had have been terrible. I was mistreated badly by management and all I ever did was be a good worker. My hair was falling out, always crying, overworked and underpaid. It just seemed impossible to have a peaceful work environment where I could really thrive and serve the company I was working for. Now, I'm a SAHW and I kind of like it. I think it is strange for a lot of people to see a black woman be a SAHW. My mom is concerned about the thoughts of others, but I don't care. I learned early that people aren't going to like how you manage your marriage, household or children -- you can't please everyone.
Your post was a blessing and a motivation. Thank you!
This is a great post! When my husband and I were dating and for the first six months of our marriage I was working 50 hours a week (often times more). I would never see him on his days off, and I was always in a bad mood when I got off work. One day I broke down crying because I was so tired from my schedule and not seeing him. He told me that I shouldn't work a job that I hate and he was right. I finally quit one of my jobs. I'm not a 100% SAHW because I teach classes once a week at a local college (which is my passion) but some quarters I'm not assigned classes. I also learned how to extreme coupon which keeps our costs extremely low. My mom always taught me to be independent and not to rely on a man so I thought I had to work to earn his respect but that was sooo far from the truth for our marriage. He loves that on the weekends we can do whatever we want. He loves being surprised by the foods I make (last month we tried every squash). We aren't at the point of having kids yet but once we are, this is the way it's going to stay.
I love that!
AMEN!!! I can so relate to this blog and I am so happy someone else relates to this because it is so hard! And not one person in my life can relate, The ony stay at home moms I know are moms not just wives!!!
I enjoyed your article soooo much thank you! I've been a stay at home wife for two years now and I'm so tired of being judged. Its wonderful to read so many comments from other ladies going through the same experience.
i'm so happy I was able to encourage you :) have a great day!
Awesome post!
I have been a SAHW for 2 years also and I love it, I'm home when my husband gets home, I worked the first 6 months of marriage. I'm just so over the judgment it really gets to me sometimes I always hear "what do you do all day, don't you get bored? " good to know I'm not the only one who chose to stay home.
I enjoyed this article. I am a mostly SAHW. My advice to you is to direct your thought away from those whose opinion has little to no bearing on your life. Being home has been so much better for our relationship. It's allowed me more time to nurture my husband. Working a full time job, he shouldn't have to cook dinner or clean and I enjoy keeping a nice home. Some women are career oriented, some have husbands that insist on their financial contribution. Neither of those scenarios would have worked for me as an individual or as a wife. Congratulations on finding what works for you and your partner.
My question is why does a woman have to give up on her career/full time job in order to make it work for the family? Since there aren't any kids involved yet, I'm safe to assume that your family is your husband. When you talk about someone staying at home, is it ever an option for your husband to stay at home? It only seems "fair". Or is it always expected for the wife to stay at home because it is assumed she makes less money? (Although not always true)
I guess it is hard for me to understand why I would have to give up on my career, and not him. It should still be an option in my opinion.
My fiancé and I are not married yet, but we live together and he is the stay at home person. He makes me breakfast, lunch and dinner, washes the dishes, vacuums, laundry/folds clothes, cleans, makes bed, etc, and still manages to work remotely from home as a computer programmer while I go to medical school.
He has been a stay the stay at home person for almost a year and loves it, yet he is looking for a different job to make more money. We have talked about who would do the chores and cook when this happens, and it all will depend on who has more time. As a student I study around 60-65 hours/week on non test days, meaning it will probably be him the one who does most chores. This does not mean I do not help out form time to time, because I do. But it is never expected of me because that is what works for us. I hope that your husbands would do the same for all of you if the tables were turned.
Like I said in my post, this is what my husband and I decided to do. I don't think I would like to be the sole provider for my family, but if dire need arose, I would. This is just how I feel. I am glad my husband enjoys being the sole provider, and I am glad that the way I want to structure our household and follow my dreams is supported and encouraged by my husband.
The way that my husband and I want to do things is not the way everyone has to do things, of course. My mom works and my dad stays at home right now, and they seem very happy with this arrangement. Just different people have different dreams and ideas about life :)
Thanks for your comment! Enjoy medical school--I wish you much luck in following your dreams :)
Thank you. I've worked for a majority of my life and just recently became an at home wife for similar reasons as you. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way. (:
OMG!!! ANOTHER SAHW!!! Are you sick? Are you not able-bodied to get a job? Isn't more money better? Why don't you "want" to work?! Ok- those are completely rhetorical and just a snippet of questions I have been asked without even discussing jobs or careers. It's so great to know I'm not a lone freak in this world. People are so rude! I seriously would never even think of asking the questions I've been asked or judge someone in the way I have. I quit my job 2 years ago. (we've been married 7 yrs this summer) and I absolutely enjoy being a SAHW. It's not completely perfect and I'm still learning to juggle and time manage. But seriously, it was the best thing for us. My husband is traditional, but not at all in a sexist way. We are fortunate to be able to live comfortably on what he makes. I do not spend my days watching t.v. and eating bon bons- honestly daytime tv is horrible and I can't even stand to have it on. Staying home is not for everyone- whether it's personal or financial. I never in a million years thought I would embrace the domestic life. I was actually quite opposed when we got married. I had a good job that I loved- but management changed and made it unbearable to the point everything was out of balance. It just wasn't worth the stress. My husband had been gently hinting I could quit for quite some time.. so I did. My issue is with the people who automatically go on the offense... except with my few closest friends- I have never openly shared I am just a SAHW. It's the nosey ones that ask all the questions and assume the situation. The ones that make the biggest stink are the nosiest and usually the unhappiest with their own life choices and paths. I personally have never judged a person on how,why, what, whatever job, family, house, home, etc.. I just assume they are doing what is best for their family. period. Why is being a SAHW soooo counter culture?! I am college educated- for some reason for a while after I quit- I felt like I was diminishing feminism. I decided- a woman now has those rights- and the opportunities to do whatever. I chose this. :D
Hey! I totally felt all the things you say here. I finally figured out that feminism means women have the right to choose. And my choice is to stay at home. It's allowing me to live my dreams! This furthers feminism, not hurts it! But I struggled with that for awhile as well. My husband is also very traditional, but not at all sexist! This is why we compliment each other so well, because I have traditional dreams! We both have the freedom to be comfortable around each other, and meet each others expectations. I know my husband would fully support me if I wanted to work as well.
Oh man, that "Why don't' you want to work" questions makes me upset. I love working--at home! Many people just assume "home" isn't work! It's work, but I get paid in other ways, emotional ones mostly. That's enough for me.
You've been married 7 years! Wow! We are coming up on two years. I know we will make it to 7, and I wonder what life will look like for us.
From one happy stay at home wife to another, may you find satisfaction and fulfillment in your choices!
Thank you for this topic. I thought I was alone on this.
I like serving my husband like cooking good food and organizing our place and doing household work. I am thinking of crocheting or volunteering or looking for a part-time job so I can still enjoy my time with my hubby. (Looking for part-time job because my hubby's job sometimes is an on-off call). My husband and I are living close to my parents' (we're on the same compound) and I go to their place often to help (cooking, cleaning, go to doctor's appt., etc.).
I'm aware I should prioritize my marriage. My parents (esp. my mom) can be demanding as if I need to be in their place everyday. This has been the cause of conflict between me and my husband -- he would say I change my behavior when I'm with my parents. I came from a family who are somewhat sociable and my husband is the reserved but dignified type. He doesn't like my family that much because they talk too much sometimes. My family doesn't like much my husband because he's too quiet. AND I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! I will admit I get frustrated as if I want to live alone. I believe the key here is BALANCE. I pray for God's grace everyday to accomplish this.
Thanks again...
I also am a stay at home wife. I worked for the first four years of our marriage, and it was hard to keep up with it all and have quality time with my husband. It seemed our union was suffering. One day my beloved husband said he wanted me to stay home and be a full time wife. At first I was unsure about giving up a "career"..but now I admit I have never been happier. He loves providing for me and I love making a wonderful 'home' for him. Our marriage was good before but now it is wonderful. We have better quality time and grow closer in love and understanding each day. We are both very happy with this decision. My sister, who is a career woman as I once was constantly berates me. But I have recently come to feel she is sadly jealous that she must compete for her husband's attention by keeping up with him while their home life suffers. I
pray she takes a break from outside work and concentrates on being his wife instead of his competition. I would not change anything of the decision my husband and I made..., and he tells me often how he loves our life now. I think that is all that counts ..that he and I are happy!!
Wow. I feel an immediate sense of relief after reading your blog and all of the other comments from SAHW. I'm currently at stay at home wife and have no regrets whatsoever. I'm an educated woman; having finished my M.S. degree a year ago, but I'm content never applying it in real-life. My husband and I were married almost a year ago. In February we relocated to NW Chicago. Prior to moving I was teaching at a community college, but my husband's career is my number one priority-so I was happy to hit the road when he was offered a great position. Not only does my hubs work a full-time job during the week, but he's also a wedding videographer and is gone most weekends during 'wedding' season; thus the 70+ hour work weeks. If you had asked me 5 years ago what I thought I'd be doing now, SAHW would not have come out of my mouth; I was heavily focused on my 'career,' but that was before marriage, etc. However, I have chosen this SAHW life for myself and my husband is truly thankful. I can't imagine what our home would look like if I worked full-time or even part-time outside of the house! I enjoy cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of our pets, learning how to handle minor repairs, running errands, grocery shopping. scheduling appointment and handling the finances, etc. My husband doesn't have to worry about any of this when he gets home from work and those stressors are eliminated all together. I've had people ask, 'do you like staying at home?', 'you must have a lot of time on your hands', that's so false! If they saw what I did in a day they would likely understand. I LOVE staying at home, but it's not because I'm taking the 'easy way out.' So, thank you for posting a blog that I can relate to. There's such a negative stigma associated with SAHW, at least in my area.
I am in the same boat as you. I have a Master's Degree and used to be a teacher. For the past 3 years I have been a stay at home wife and I also teach group fitness classes 4 times a week. This still provides me with plenty of freedom. My husband is happy with this situation and always says he wants me to do what I want to do, whatever that it. A few times over the past 3 years I have gotten part time jobs out of guilt (that I put on myself, never my husband- he actually advises me not to take them), feeling like I should contribute more and use my education. But I end up hating it and resenting not having the freedom I had as a SAHW. I am pregnant now and wondering how things will change once I have the baby... will I resent being at home all the time and being chained to the house instead of having my prior freedom? It makes me want to go out and get a job again just so that I wont' be. I just don't know what to do and the guilt I put on myself all comes from me. Overall I really like being a SAHW and taking care of the home and my husband. Sometimes I just get confused.
We are also expecting now! Congrats on your upcoming joy! I feel the same way!! I have a lot of freedom right now and I've taken a part time job at the gym but I don't enjoy it much these days. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel once baby comes and there are days I really miss having a full time job! The best thing I can say is join a moms group and be outspoken about needing to get out or have a friend come to visit when you need it. Babies are very portable when they're little! It's great to have a supportive husband in this! :-)
This blog made me realize that I am not the only one out there that does what I do! I too am a SAHW with no kids. My husband and I came to this conclusion since he works out of town for 7 days a week for 12 hours a day, and then he is off for the next seven. When I was working at a hospital, my husband and I never crossed paths with each other and we were lucky if we had seen each other one day out of the month. Now that we both made the decision that I take care of the home, I feel like both of us are less stressed out on many things. Unfortunately, there are many people that frown about our decision, but I truly believe that they are just jealous and that they are also asking themselves why they didnt think of that. Thank you so much for sharing your post.....it gives the rest of the SAHWs relief that there are people out there to relate to. Thanks again!
Thank you for this post! Every point you make and feeling you discuss in this post resonates so deeply with my situation. I will soon begin to reduce my hours at work and am very excited, and very scared (!), and it is still difficult for me to justify our decision even to myself sometimes. What I liked most about reading this post and the comments, is that there are so many supportive partners out there, encouraging and loving each other, and that is what makes this kind of situation equitable. :)
Thank you for posting this. I'm currently a stay at home wife. I will eventually go back to work. I miss working, but because of moving to a new country, I have to first get my paperwork from the government to be able to work. Yes I feel like people judge me. Not only because I don't work, but because I'm not a very outgoing person who will jump at every opportunity to get out there and meet people or volunteer. Also, people assume that government will be very quick about issuing me the paperwork so I can go back to work- which may not be the case. I DO want to go back yo work as I did enjoy working. I just feel like I don't know how to be this stay-at-home-wife. I don't know how to make that work for me. I've already gained few lbs because of lack of activity. I get depressed easily as well. It's all a big change to me.. Something most people I know don't realize. Again, thank you for posting this article.
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As a recovering perfectionist, I don't admire this kind of overwork... It is just as sick as under working, in both cause and effect (on self and family). Your blog inspires confidence which hopefully will prevent or minimize overwork as a response to guilt for staying at home, when the two are related.
Thank you so much for sharing your self and positive (infectious) spirit in this blog! I am another stay at home wife with no kids. I work one day a week but mostly would prefer not to! I have felt so alone in this career choice. I still choose it because it works so well for my husband, myself, and for our relationship. But it is hard not having anyone be able to relate. I wonder if people look down on me. Your blog really filled me with confidence! And it provides a chance to read other commenters' similar stories. I feel very validated :). Weren't we fighting for the right to choose? Why should I only be limited to doing what is popular at this very particular point in history? Thank you sooooo much!
A fellow SAHW! Hooray! In our age bracket, it is pretty rare to do what we do. For years I was the breadwinner in my marriage, but after my husband joined the Navy I became a homemaker. It was nice to hear that you are proud of your decision. I have not always been. Especially since our decision comes from a secular place. Most of my friends are fairly liberal and lead secular lives as well; they don't understand why I would choose such a traditional lifestyle. Too often I feel obligated to explain my choices to people, or emphasize the things I do outside of the home. Thanks for posting!
Thank you so much for this post. I was in the work force for 20 years, balancing work, husband, and home. I was younger then and it worked for me. Forward ahead a few years, I am remarried and in my mid 40's. My husband and I made a choice, that I would stay at home, and he would work outside of the home. This works for US. I take care of the home, yard, bill paying and add into the mix elderly parents, both sets. Honestly, I work harder now, than I did years ago, working for a 'boss'. I love my life now more than I ever have. If this kind of situation works for you, then just do it! Does anyone else's opinion really matter concerning this issue? NO. Kudos to you!!
Thank you so much for this post. I was in the work force for 20 years, balancing work, husband, and home. I was younger then and it worked for me. Forward ahead a few years, I am remarried and in my mid 40's. My husband and I made a choice, that I would stay at home, and he would work outside of the home. This works for US. I take care of the home, yard, bill paying and add into the mix elderly parents, both sets. Honestly, I work harder now, than I did years ago, working for a 'boss'. I love my life now more than I ever have. If this kind of situation works for you, then just do it! Does anyone else's opinion really matter concerning this issue? NO. Kudos to you!!
I am a SAHW for a year now after I lost my job. Not gonna lie its been rough, but I am so happy that I found this blog. I am curious if there's anyone out there that has moved away from friends and family and sometimes or most of the time feels unmotivated to do anything? I know that might sound bad, but I guess because I live in a very small town it feels hard to want to get dressed or do my hair. My DH works over 50 hrs a week and he's such an incredible loving man. But I feel bad that I don't want to get dressed or do my hair or even wear makeup. He loves me for me but I'm just curious if any women out there have felt or gone through the same as me? You're probably thinking she's depressed, you might be a little right because my dad died a month ago suddenly. But if there's anyone who has gone through this and what you did to get out of that funk let me know. :)
Yes! I absolutely felt this way. I moved across the country from my family when I got married and I was so lonely. It was hard to do anything around the house or to paint (I am an artist). It took me a long time to adjust and I finally made a good friend who seriously rescued me from the horrible loneliness. My husband is wonderful, but he was-and is chronically ill, so I could not do the active things with him that I used to do with my family/friends. Take a class-cooking, exercise, quilting-do things that get you out and about and meeting people. If you are a Christian, lean on the Lord, and maybe join a Bible study-that's how I met my friend. Having a friend made all the difference; we were even able to help each other do projects like cleaning the whole house or painting her daughter's bedroom. It does get better. Find things to look forward to...maybe you and your husband can make a bucket list of places you'd like to travel or things you would like to do that you can work towards and save for together. Another thing that makes a big difference is having a pet-something to come home to when your husband is at work-get a dog or a cat-they have needs and taking care of them can get us up and moving.
I am sorry about your father. : ( Grief is almost certainly a factor. I hope things go better for you. *Hugs*
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Tonight in desperation I did a google search that was worded something like this... Are there any other stay at home wives that don't feel guilty? And this blog is what I found! Thank you Jesus there are other SAHW!!! There are all kinds of stay at home mom blogs, articles, etc etc, but what about the women that stay at home and don't have children??? I am constantly feeling guilty!! My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and we decided that I would stay at home. I have a few health issues, and struggle with depression sometimes so its hard to find a job for me anyways. We do struggle financially sometimes, but for the most part we are making it. We moved 800 miles away from friends and family the week after we got married. My depression got worse for awhile, but am doing pretty good with it now. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to start my own little home business soon, but am waiting on God's timing. Ok, sorry this is so long, I just want to say thank you so so much for this blog! It is making me feel better about myself. =) God bless all the other SAHW out there!
I love being a stay at home wife! :) I know what you mean with juggling struggles and staying at home. I will be praying for you--and this comment was a total blessing to me! Many hugs.
great post. If it works for you and your husband, that all that matters, Not everyone is meant to have the same life. That is what makes it all different.
Glad to hear I'm not alone. My husband travels for work and works many hours in general. He makes great money and enjoys his job. I was unhappy at my job and we decided it was better for me to just stay home and "manage" our home and life! It's been almost a year now and we are both very happy with our decision! I too get the "what do you do all day" questions and comments and it is frustrating. Usually those comments are coming out of jealousy and I just remind myself that my husband and I are happy with our decision, who cares what anyone else thinks!
I love what you are saying. My husband and I have been married for 26 years with no children and we adore oneanother. It wasn't worth my time and energy to work and under my husband's tax bracket I would be bringing home very little money. I apply my energy to our household - giving us a clean home every day to live in, pressing his clothes everyday so he looks neat for work, having delicious warm meals every night of the week and having time for our wonderful little dog. I don't eat bon, bons and I don't watch tv during the day. No man whose wife works get treated the way we treat our husbands, believe me - they eat franks in a microwave and takeout food. My husband worships me and I don't expect him to- I just love him enough that I want to do these things for him. Our life is never in disarray. Enjoy!
Hello! I too am a stay-at-home wife! Thank you for this lovely post. I can relate to almost everything you wrote. Early on in my marriage, I worked full-time and found myself struggling to take care of the household. Being a stay-at-home wife allows me to achieve a greater sense of balance. I also have a blog....www.talesofamodernhomemaker.com. I will definitely put a link on my site to yours!
Lisa
I'll go check out your blog :) thanks for your wonderful and encouraging comment!
I aspire to be a SAHW! I currently work and have a ph.d. People are perplexed when I tell them that my goal is to stay at home. Have you discovered a compelling (and convincing) way to communicate your position to others?
I'm so glad you've posted this! It's so hard to stand confidently in front of family and say I'm happy being at home... cleaning and cooking and making sure when my husband gets home, my time and energy is dedicated to him. I am asked weekly if i'm bored... or if i've thought about getting a part time job... and it definitely gets harder to respond with grace each time. We've felt this was where God was leading us since we got married (2 months ago)... and we've budgeted for one income since the beginning... In all of your dealings... how did you respond to family who would... for lack of a better phrase... be critical of your choice to be a SAHW?
my mother in law was one very critical person and used to say such things such as "I spend all my husband's money" and I "don't support him/take advantage of him". I would just smile at her and tell her of all the wonderful ways I am able to help my husband by doing the laundry and making meals and taking the stress off him for those things, instead of making money and having him help with those things after he is tired after a long day of work! Other people have said things to me too--and I just try to tell them it's our choice, and I am not a burden on my husband--he likes this just as much as me! Every family is different, I try to point out, and every one must make these decisions for themselves. I don't regret mine! Hope this helps, and thank you so much for your comment!
hmmm, I haven't really found a good way to communicate my position to other people. i just tell them like it is! Some think it is cool, and some have more questions and some are indignant about it! Just depends on the person, I think :)
I'm 20, unmarried and live at home with my boyfriend. We have lived together for two years now and I haven't been working for the past three months. He says he likes when I'm home - I'm Happier, the house is always clean and we actually have time to spend together. My boyfriend works very hard, 60+ hours a week and makes great money at his job. Paying the bills aren't a problem and for being as young as we are we do have assets and own two homes. There really is no need for me to working. I know I don't need to mention these things, but I always find myself telling the same story - justifying why I am able to stay home to my friends and family. My friends are always shaming me for this, asking why i CANT work and why I think it's ok that he pays for everything. My brother says I'm lazy. I'm trying hard to keep these slights out of my mind because my life and relationship have improved immensely from being home, but I feel like I'm being pushed back into a life working all day. I dread this - despite what hours I work I am still expected to clean, wash and shop no matter what my position.
You don't have to justify you and your boyfriend's decision to anyone, not even your family. I'm 21 years old and married, no we don't have kids, but I am a stay at home wife. My husband likes it better this way because when he comes home we have all that time to spend together. Its a job just like any other, I clean, I cook, I wash clothes, I budget and take care of our finances, grocery shop, take care of the pups, and on top of all of that I'm a full time student. What we do with our lives is our choice. If you and your boyfriend's system is working, who cares what anyone else thinks!
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