Rules for Holding my Baby

I'm going to step up on my soap box and outline some rules that I think (snobbishly) that everyone should know before holding a baby. Specifically mine, but whatever.

1. If you request to hold my newborn and the first thing you do is attempt to put your mouth on his skin, hair, or fingers I will go full helicopter mom on you. Be prepared to listen to a lecture if you even look like you are about to kiss my child. Because germs. And eww.
2. Do Not Put You Hand, Fingers, or Other Object in my kids mouth. I legit slapped someones hand away from Reuben's mouth in his second week of life as they attempted to stick their FINGER in. It was an automatic, no-thoughts, panic slap. I even apologized afterwards. And then I lectured them.
3. Don't scream when my baby spits up on you. Because he will cry from the loud noise that just happened right next to his ear and then you will feel bad. But I can (sort of) understand this one--I mean, it surprised me the first few times he decided that mommy needed to wear his body fluid. But I will laugh at you. And then I'll help you clean yourself. This is why I have an extra shirt in my diaper bag. 
4. My kid makes funny faces when he poops. I will tell you this if he happens to do it around you. I am sorry. Actually I will mostly talk about my kid. I mean, he is a Big Deal. I'm sorry if I appear to have no life anymore. Just a fair warning--if you hold him, I'll probably start telling you cute poop stories about him.
5. If you do not know me or my baby and I am in Krogers shopping, do not squeal about how cute he is and try to touch him because I will react like you are attempting to kidnap my child and then the wrath of God shall decend down upon you because how dare you. 
6. If you come to my house and ring the doorbell I will secretly start planning on ways to interrupt you when you are sleeping, like sounding a loud alarm in your house during your nap time. 
7. Don't be surprised if he cries and when you hand him back he stops crying right away. I am the amazing milk thing. Hear me roar I mean, milk. It's a softer sound but just as cool a superpower, trust me. Don't take it the wrong way, and don't think Reuben doesn't like you. He just likes me more. I squeezed him out of my vagina, so I win.