It's seriously helped my stress level.
But you know what? I started this new rule last week, and today when the baby went down and as my husband watched Chuck (it's our new Netflix love) I realized I honestly didn't know what to do to with myself. It is so rare I have a moment without the baby. Last night he woke up and cried right when I put him down and I just went to bed, him in the crook of my arm, to nurse him to back to sleep. The night before that he didn't nod off until 11pm and I was to tired to stay up.
I've found that I can't expect free time. If I do, and I don't get it, it's stressful and makes me upset. I try not to expect it. I try, honestly, lately--to just survive. Most days are survival days.
At one of my mommy meetings (yes I am so old I go to mommy meetings, I can literally hear my teenage self laughing) someone said the first 7 years of raising a child require two types of days. Survival days was the second type she mentioned, where you are basically trying to make sure no one dies. Raising a baby is often like that. I make it through the day and Reuben didn't die and he is wearing clothes, so it was a good day even if the dishes are not done and my husband happens to pick up dinner while I cry in the shower. Other days are Get-Ahead days. Those are rare. You know, days where the baby actually sleeps and I vacuum. And the dishes get done AND maybe I get to film a video for my Youtube channel, about the only thing I even attempt to keep up with at this time in my life.
Anyway, that brings me back to my main point. An hour to myself. I decided this hour I would write a blog post. But then I had to think, what do I want to write? And I had a moment of panic realizing I a) don't know how to use my brain anymore and b) have no idea what I want to say because (a) and when do I have time to like, think about what I am going through anymore? As I said, most days are survival days. I survive, but I don't think. It's react and muscle memory.
I love being a mom. Reuben is awesome. Brian is awesome. I don't know who I am much besides a mommy right now. I have not worn a single piece of lingerie for my husband since I gave birth. When I have a tiny bit of free time during the day I choose, usually, to do the dishes instead of brush my hair. I usually brush my hair in the car, with Reuben in his car seat, on the way to an event.
You may think I am exaggerating. Let me tell you, I have a kid that does not nap. Ever. You complain that your adorable offspring only sleeps 30 min? Mine does not nap unless he is nursing (and then I of course am trapped sitting) or in the car. He used to nap when I baby-wore but he has even quit doing that, so I mostly wear an awake baby and try and do things sometimes, but he is heavy and I can't kneel/bend over and I can't back-wear yet, so no cooking (hot things) or dishes (sharp knives) or anything dangerous.
He really does not nap. I was worried but that is just some babies. He does sleep really well at night (a good 6 hours) so I'll take it, I suppose. I don't know any different. Maybe soon he will start napping. What is normal? He "naps" by nursing and sleeping about 3 times a day, for about 45 min each session. He wakes up when he pops off my boob even if I stay sitting down, and especially if I stand up and try to lay him down or move him. What can I say, he loves being attached to me.
I don't take pictures on my DSLR anymore. Every pic I take is on my iPhone, rushed so I can eat or pick up Reuben but taken nevertheless so I can remember how small and cute and wonderful he is. I don't really wear dresses anymore. I used to wear a dress almost every day. How that has changed. Leggings, and a long sleeve tee that is easy to pull up to nurse are my go-to. I haven't sewn anything, although I am dying to make Reuben a pair of leggings. I have knit, but have no time to take pictures for this space, my blog. I really do miss this space. I read some old stuff I wrote while I was nursing and thought I was funny. I am still funny, when I remember that I have a brain. Hah.
I talk about my baby a lot. Seriously, it must be annoying, but I can't stop. I am one of those moms.
I still make videos, because it's easy, and I need something, at least, to do that is creative...
And I just heard my baby wake up. 19 minutes. Better than yesterday. And I had more to say, but I suppose that, too, will wash away with whatever else I've forgotten to get done today.
Until next time. I don't even have time to check this for errors, not that I catch most of them anyway. But trying is nice.
