We are Never promised Tomorrow

I think we all have moments where we are faced with our own limitations. But for me, one of those times was the birth of my child. Why did life bring the reality of death so much closer? When he was placed into my arms my heart broke and healed at the same time, and I realized I would never be the same again. 

Yesterday Reuben took a really nasty fall. The kind where I heard his head hit the floor and his life flashed before my eyes. I rushed to him, cradled him in my arms and eventually dried tears. He ended up being perfectly wonderfully okay, but in the moment I was at defcon one, my fight or flight mode raging.

One of the hardest things for me to accept as a mother is that I can't protect my child. His life is not in my hands. I am not promised tomorrow. I can't imagine anything ever happening to him, but at times, like yesterday, where he is bleeding and crying on me and I'm holding him in my arms wishing I could take away his pain--I feel the finite reality of death. One day he will die. It could be soon. I would die for him, only I don't have that option. God controls life or death, even if I don't want to accept it.

Life is fragile, even if we aren't reminded of it often. God is good, and I do believe he knows the hour of my death and Reuben's too. I know I can trust him. But I also know that my human heart wants no pain to come to my child. I don't think I'll ever really stop worrying about his health and safety, but I am glad to be a child of God and know and trust Him. I just wish the future was not so uncertain.

Seeing the reality of death really helps me put my petty human desires in perspective. Do I really need to argue about this-or-that with my husband? Should I let the crumbs on the floor ruin my good mood? I want to create good memories for myself and my family--but my ultimate goal should be to serve God in everything, not serve myself. Yet daily I serve myself. If Reuben were to be taken from me tomorrow, I wouldn't get those days back, I wouldn't get another chance.

I suppose what I am saying is that I struggle just like everyone else to see the real shape of the world in regards to my paltry existence. I often place too much stock on how I look or what I have then growing the relationships around me. I forget to invest in my walk with God and instead invest in things like new clothes and pretty yarn.

Moments of clarity are rare, so I want to seize this one while it is still fresh in my mind. God is good. I am human. I have no choice but to trust him with not only my life, but the life of my children as well.

Blog brought to you by a sleepless night of watching Reuben to make sure his head injury didn't require a hospital visit. (It didn't) (I'm tired).

Week 95-98

I didn't vlog for four weeks because nausea. These weeks are a blur of throwing up, couch potatoing, and whining to my husband about gestating his child.

Meh.

Here is from one year ago, week 43, week 44, week 45 and Week 46. I was reminded when re-watching week 44 of our last miscarriage, as it happened during that week of vlogging. I am so happy that this child in my womb now is still alive, despite the nausea and vomiting. 

Tiny Bonnet

I stumbled across this adorable lacy crochet bonnet on Pinterest and had to crochet one for the new baby. I love it. I decided to crochet in pink, because I am hoping for a girl.

If I am having a girl or not is up for debate for a few more weeks. If not, I will gift this to a mama in need, but for now I am hanging on hope!

I knit this in Knit Picks City Tweed DK yarn, and I love it to pieces! I hope my infant likes hats, because I have a few more in mind he or she will need...

Baby Socks

I have been knitting a lot of things for the baby lately. When I first found out I was expecting I found a Toe Up Baby Sock pattern and promptly knit up a cute tiny pair of infant socks! I can't wait to put them on my newborn.

While I wasn't really impressed with this pattern, I am not giving up on knitting socks and have plans to try two other baby sock knitting patterns in hopes I can find one I really like. Baby socks are so quick and fun to knit. Also, right after finishing these is when morning sickness hit me like a fright train and so I'm just posting a picture now.

Ohh, tiny baby feet! I'm so excited for this January baby so he or she can wear wool! Reuben, although a wonderful child, was born in July and did not need such things.

Things I need for Second Baby

When I had Reuben I published a list of things I bought for him before he was born. Many of those things (and the things we received from our baby shower) we will use again. We have almost everything we need if we have another boy with the exception of a few infant toys that Reuben utterly destroyed or that I gave away.

So what do we need? There are a few products that have come out since Reuben's birth that have peeked my interest, and a few things I realized I would like to try. So here is what I will be buying for my second baby; yes my sixth pregnancy, but my second birth.

• I bought a dockatot. Since I have a toddler, this baby will need it's own space and safe area to lay down to sleep. I was lucky to find the infant dockatot (goes up to 8-9 months) for sale used locally for almost 1/2 the price. We will use the dockatot only for naps and lounging (as I said, a safe space for me to place baby that a toddler can learn not to touch) until four months and then I plan on using it as a bedsharing cosleeper. The arms reach cosleeper we bought for Reuben will be used as the baby's sleeping area for nighttime sleeping until four months. Or the tiny kid will just sleep on my chest. Because you can't really predict baby sleep preferences. 
• I splurged BIG TIME and bought Reuben and new baby a matching pair of rainbow Sloomb Woolies. I love Sloomb Woolies (but they are $70 each)! As this baby is due January 29th I decided wool would be wonderfully useful AND that the money was worth spending. I spent a lot of time looking at the Sloomb website as Reuben was growing but never bought anything. This is my splurge item for the new baby and for Reuben! I'm so excited!
• Burp cloths. What, you say? You didn't buy burp cloths for Reuben? Well, I had one pack of two. And goodness knows I needed a lot more than two, but never got around to buying more because I was exhausted from being a sleep deprived mom and my brain wasn't functioning well enough to make the connection to buy more. This time we will be buying a lot of burp cloths for sure. I'm thinking cute ones from target--I'll probably add this to my baby sprinkle registry for baby two. 
• A car seat. Reuben's infant car seat is in good condition and is not expired, so we will reuse it--but we have two cars, and thus will need another baby car seat for my car eventually. 
• If the baby is a girl (and I am SO HOPEFUL) we will need to buy some "girlish" clothes. I do plan on reusing a lot of Reuben's clothes. I'm not picky and I definitely have sentimental attachments to them; but I do want some things new for this baby, girl or no. 
• I plan on cloth diapering again. We will only need one or two covers as some of Reuben's covers are completely worn out. I already knit a diaper cover for the new baby, and plan on making several more items as well.
• Maybe items: there are a few items we are considering but have not purchased yet. A double stroller? A standard Mai tai? And I've been seriously considering a my breast friend nursing pillow. I am not sure if we will buy all those things, but they are on the list to consider. 

What did you guys buy for your first or second baby? Any suggestions to add to the list?