just thoughts

Do you ever struggle with making decisions? I'm sure everyone does. But lately I feel like life is moving so fast I don't even have time to contemplate the decisions I am making. The kids are growing up quickly. I am in survival mode most of the time and running on instinct. There isn't a lot of time to sit and think and ponder myself and my surroundings and I miss that. Sometimes I wish things would slow down so I could just be at peace within myself for a moment.

But being in this rush-rush of early motherhood does make my foundation and my joy spring forth from Jesus. There isn't anywhere else for me to get energy from--the coffee has been reheated twice and is now again cold, my close friends are all worn toddler moms too; and the little places I used to go for joy (reading books in coffee shops, buying myself a new dress, long conversations with my husband) are unattainable in this season of motherhood. A new dress would not look as I would want on my distended postpartum body. Sitting idle in a coffee shop would be a colossal waste of time that I could better spending knitting; and also tiny humans don't let me sit and theorize over caffeine and baked goods--they like to spill things and climb on chairs. And cause scenes.

I am too tired to even talk to my husband much at night after everyone finally goes to sleep. I just want to sleep at that time. So I do. Usually.

But oh, the joys of motherhood are rich! I know I complain a lot on this blog. When I have time to write, or when time is made for me--it's usually all I can think about. But I am happy. And I just wanted you guys to know that. I am happily being worn out, and I think if wearing out is to be had, this is one of the best ways to do it.

This month will be a full one. Reuben turns three. We are throwing him his first birthday party with his little friends! I'm excited. Also, it will be hot. Very hot.

Becky also turns six months. She gets to try food soon, and learn to sit up--and before you know it I'll be pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen again.

At least, those are the thoughts I am thinking tonight.

knowing your limits

I am constantly being pushed beyond my limits as a mom. Yesterday, for example. Becky didn't sleep. At all. No naps all day and woke up every 2 hours at night. I was a mess and every time she would doze off I would gently try to lay her down only to have her immediately wake up. As the day wore on this became less and less cute. I desperately needed some time to myself and became increasingly irate at my non sleeping child. She also did not want to be separated from me or take a nap. By the end of the day I still had laundry, dishes, and dinner to make--and to boot I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So my husband got home and I immediately handed him a baby and completely zoned out for twenty minutes for my mental health.

This is a regular occurrence in our home. The stress of small children wipes me out and that is before I add in running a household, managing my own needs and desires, planning intimacy with my husband (or even, like, trying to talk to him) meal prepping, making time for friends, running errands, helping others...yard work, garden weeding, car cleaning...

I constantly feel exhausted as a mother. I constantly feel my own dreams and needs are rarely able to be addressed as a mother. Sometimes I only feel like a mother.

I love my kids so much it hurts. But I am so tired most of the time. Becky just turned five months today. She's a wiggly, squirmy happy child and she makes me smile. Reuben turns three next month and three is hitting me like a brick wall, but I love his newfound curiosity and individuality.

It's just so hard to need space and not be able to have any. It's hard to want time for myself and not be able to have it most of the time. It's hard when a baby wakes up and interrupts my blog post, which is what is happening right now. Sigh. I should be in bed anyway, it's late and I have to wake up early for church tomorrow, and there is so much to do.

I don't know my own limits anymore, and yet they keep being pushed.

Socks

I finally finished a pair of socks! These came out a little big--I think I will go down a needle size next time. They are made out of 100% wool. I love them! The pattern is from Wendy D.

I am trying to finish all my works in progress before I start anything new. That is my 2018 goal. I have two scarfs and a sweater and a shawl that are all "in progress". I may frog some of them. We will see...

Dress for Becky

This is the Eileen Dress by Taiga. We love it! Glad to have finished knitting something.

May 21-30 Vlogs

trying my hardest and it's not enough

I remember when I was single and even newly married and I would read articles about how women can have it all: a career, a social life, a husband and a family.

I am here to tell you that is 100% not my experience. At least not right now with a four month old and an almost three year old. I feel like I'm stuck on a bipolar roller coaster; going up when I least expect it only to plunge down again when I am finally comfortable.

Reuben's bedtimes are great for a few days than a disaster. He eats everything one day and won't eat for anything for days. He is sweet and loving to Rebekah and then tries to literally shove his food into her mouth while I am doing dishes. He randomly (at least how it seems to me) tantrums. I love him dearly, but this is hard. We never had terrible twos--but I think three is going to be an adventure I may not want to remember.

I am exhausted and have not brushed my hair in days. Last week I went a week without showering and didn't even notice until my husband mentioned it. I keep forgetting to spend time with God; the one thing I do need and can't live without--my lifeline and what should be my foundation. I forget to read my bible and pray. I get all wrapped up in reacting to my kid's behavior and not showing him examples of good behavior. It's no wonder he's upset most of the time with a mom who is upset at him most of the time.

I don't know how to be a good parent when I can't even be a good person. How can I raise my son when I am not even a capable human being?

Sometimes it takes falling far to realize the only thing you are promised in life, and the only thing you need...is God. God will be there for you. I can never have it all. Striving for that dream is reaching for a lie. All I can have is God's grace, his mercy and love, his peace and his faith. I won't ever have a perfect kid. I'll never have hours and hours of free time to make videos and blog and be creative again--I have a family now and pining for what I don't have isn't going to help me feel better. I also won't suddenly get that body back that I rocked when I was 20. And if I'm honest with myself, I didn't even like my body at 20 either. Sitting here thinking of all the things I don't have just leaves me feeling jilted by life and extremely frustrated.

I need to think of what I do have. A healthy family. A nice home. A loving husband. Good (exhausted) mom friends and hardworking single friends.

Yes I have dreams and desires. No, motherhood does not fulfill me. But. Only God should have that role. Only God should fulfill me. Sticking anything else in that slot is just wrong. My creative knitting, my crochet, my video making: none of that should fulfill me either. Asking my family and my kids who have their own feelings and are their own people to fulfill me is just plain selfish as well. It's only God that can bring any peace to my heart, and only if it is his will.

I'm not saying it's wrong for me to have dreams. But those dreams are not what makes me, well, me. God made me, and I am his. And I need to remember that when the days are long and the years are short.

Week 140

I'm going to be changing up the vlogs again. It is so hard to keep track of all these weeks, so I am just going to start naming them the dates that they run for. Like "May 15-18" or something like that. I will still try to keep track of one or two years ago but I can't make any promises. It's hard to find all the videos from so long ago, but I do like having them linked. I think I will have to start a new way of keeping track of all the vlogs. Maybe I will do a monthly dump instead of weekly?

Any ideas?

Week 139

One year ago: week 35
Two years ago: week 87

Week 138

One year ago: week 34
Two years ago: week 86

Week 137

One year ago: week 33
Two years ago: week 85