I had to tell my husband today that my
internet addiction is stealing all my joy again. It isn't a pleasant
thing to talk about. It isn't easy to look the man I married in the
eyes and tell him I am struggling with staying off YouTube and
Facebook, or that I feel crushing pressure to “keep up” with
social media.
I had to tell him that lately, I had
been using the internet like a drug. Did I have a bad day? I must
need to binge watch YouTube. Are my kids driving me crazy? I can send
them to their room and zone out on my phone for half an hour. Since
we got the internet back after a five month hiatus I have more and
more turned to it to give me a “fix” when I am stressed, tired,
or anxious.
The internet has it all. Everything I
need. Social interactions that are shallow and take time away from me
that I should be spending with my family. My stress level skyrockets
on facebook as I read the bickering and fighting over vaccines, and
see the negativity that many people post about Trump, feminism and
abortion.
Lets not forget the advertisements. Ads
punch me in my gut. After seeing a few, I just know my house and
closet are inferior and laughingly inadequate. I need that shirt. If
I had it, I would be happy. But either I have to charge it to our
credit card, or not buy it because $30 shirts are not in our budget.
Pictures let me know I am failing
creating happy memories in my own home. Did someone I follow post a
video on YouTube? It's a reminder that I am not posting as much as I
should—I need to make some videos for my channel.
Now, this is not how I always feel
about Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and blogging. This is just how I
feel when I am using the internet as
a crutch or when I am in a negative place mentally or
emotionally. Instead of dealing with whatever I am going through, I
internalize it and use the internet to distract me. That is not
healthy for me and it has been slowly killing my joy again.
In short, I need life without the
internet again. Desperately. My husband agrees. Whatever life stage I
am in now, I am not able to use the internet healthily. But my
husband still wants internet in our home so that he can work from
home occasionally and use it to play some online games.
The plan we came up with and the thing
I asked for is for him to change the internet password and just not
tell me. I also removed the internet from my phone.
After three days I convinced him to
give me the password. I thought—oh, I'll just log out after and not
have my computer remember it. I'll just use the internet for the evening. Well, that worked for two nights and
the third night I just left it connected. And that was when I
realized my addiction goes deeper then even I can understand. I can't
tackle this alone.
We reconfigured our idea. I
will be taking at least three months off of home internet and will
have to go to a coffee shop or other internet-friendly place if I
would like access. This is good. This is what I need. Boundaries are
good here. Oh, it's going to be rough—but I have done it before and
I can do it again and I know it is good for me. I know I will grow
and I know my anxiety and depression will lesson considerably after
the adjustment period.
So, that is how I am doing. How are
you?
