well, I miscarried

This isn't a post I wanted to write.

Mother's day was hard. 

Also, I had to go to the ER during a virus outbreak. When I started to miscarry, we dropped the kids off with a neighbor (who they knew) and Brian took me to our local ER. I thought he would be able to come with me. I was counting on it, but because of Covid he wasn't allowed and I had to go in alone. The ER was empty. I'm talking, rows upon rows of empty beds and shut of lights and very reduced staff. I saw one patient waiting when I came in (he had a broken leg) and another elderly lady came in after me. When I left 4 hours later-ish (was it 3? I don't remember) I saw the guy and the elderly lady on their way out too, and only one man going in. It was eerie.

I was masked upon arrival and wore it the whole time, even when I sneezed on myself. I don't recommend sneezing on yourself.

I hate blood work, but I had to do it alone. I lived. But I sure missed my husband, and he missed me. He always holds my hand and tells me I am being a big baby and it helps.  

Anyway, I was eight weeks. But my hCG levels were around 2300 (usually 6 weeks). They couldn't see anything on the ultrasound. 

Miscarriage.

What is wrong with my body? I asked the doctor, but he didn't answer me. Why does this keep happening? Six times now.

It is sad, but I am also okay. And done trying for awhile. I think forever, but I'll say awhile because time changes people. I just wish I knew what was broken inside of me, what is making my body have so many miscarriages. The only blood work that came back "high" or "abnormal" was my bilirubin levels, and I don't know what that means. Doctor said it could be normal for some, but it felt like a red flag to me. He did not seem concerned. 

I'm exhausted. 

I trust God. I do. And I love him, and I know he loves me, but I did really want this baby, even if I was not exactly thrilled about giving birth again. I need a hug and I need friends but since I went to the ER, we need to stay home for at least a week to make sure I didn't pick up covid-19. 

Leave me a comment that cheers me up. I need it.