Crisis Point

 A lot has happened. 

On one hand, I realized I had slowly made "health" an idol in my life. I thought my life would start again when I got better, that I would be a good mom when I healed, that my own health would bring joy and happiness. Now, health is awesome and I definitely want to heal (Yes I am still sick. I am above 50 percent but I would love to be back at 100!!) but I shouldn't put my health over GOD. 

I can be a good mom and have a chronic illness.

I can be a good wife and have a chronic illness. 

I can be happy and have joy in God and have a chronic illness.

It is sweet to re-center and have God be my everything. Suddenly, my health isn't as important as I thought it was. God is everything, and he will be enough. 

This week I have thought so many things through. I get sunsets every night from my home AND God? What more do I need? Why do I complain so much?? I get matcha lattes at lunch and God. I have more than I need, because I only need God.

What else is happening:

We are knee deep in Ambleside Year One, Term Two. I am doing the Gaps diet but staying in ketosis and it's helping! I can do an enema no problem and laugh at myself for being wary of them. They are wonderful and healing and need to be a part of our culture. Yes I'm weird but look it up. Russia is attacking the Ukraine and I am praying. I need to say no to more things because I keep doing too much and I need rest. 

I have an appointment in two weeks to check for breast cancer. I already think I have it, but who knows. I need to remember to put frankincense EO on myself. Hopefully I don't have it but I can't think of what else this would be. 

Husband joined me on the keto diet...I had to have him join. I can't make extra food for people. 

I am excited for rest, and I will definitely let you guys know if I have cancer. 

I have not felt this good since 2019

Yeah, the title says it all. If you know me (or have been reading my blog for awhile) 2019 was the best year ever!!! I was able to eat gluten again, felt great and healthy and had energy. While I am not currently eating gluten or really much of anything (going through gaps stages again, I am on stage 3) I am feeling good, and that means a lot to me. It means my energy isn't all going to survival, it means I am able to hang out with friends, laugh, relax, and live a little! 

Unfortunately, maintaining this kind of strict diet isn't feasible long term, but maybe it will heal me more and I will be better when I hit full Gaps again in a week or two. 

Life and all its seasons are perplexing, are they not? Today was the rush rush of getting out the door for church and then relax at home after cleaning the kitchen from lunch. Then we got a call from a friend about wood from a tree that had fallen into her yard, so Brian went and collect the wood for our stove! I took an epson salt bath and now I feel sleepy. But brownies (for everyone but me) are in the oven and I have a cup of tea, so life is good. The school day looms tomorrow with all its business but today, at least for the next few hours, I will rest. 

God is good, and as I meditate on his goodness and sip my tea, I can't wait to be part of this incredible journey of life that He has given me. Yes, I have problems and yes, I have things I could complain about, but today I am going to choose not to and just to contemplate the lovely world around me and enjoy some of Gods many wonders. 

Happy Sunday friends!

I finally finished this crazy green shawl and have been wearing it everywhere. This one is called "Campside" if you want to google it; it is by Alicia Plummer. Did you know I am working on two more shawls? What is wrong with me??! Oh well, next winter will be cold too. And I am not a minimalist on knitwear, lets be honest! My kids each own at least three hats, all of them made by me! 

Becky's Forth Birthday

she's four and she had a blast. she said it was her best birthday ever. her favorite gift was probably the fish game from daddy and the sparkle packaging and the boa and tutu, but she loved everything. 

Happy Birthday wonderful Becky!

balance

I have talked about this probably way too much on this blog, but I and perhaps every other mother on the planet regularly struggle with balance. Remember last semester when we were doing two co-ops not to mention babysitting, cooking Gaps, violin practice, and homeschooling? Remember how I admonished myself for doing too much? (and promised I wouldn't do it again?) Well, I need continued admonishment; when will I learn my lesson? 

It all started with a feeling that I wasn't doing enough. If you are a homeschooling mother (or probably just a mother in general) you will understand. I am not doing enough, I thought to myself, so I signed my kids up for gymnastics. Now, they LOVE gymnastics. But I miss my long day at home, because I scheduled the gymnastics on one of two "stay-home-all-day" weekdays. Why did I do this to myself? I don't know. Also, its very expensive. The gymnastics will be short lived and shall be canceled when the weather improves. I want to give it at least another month, so the kids get more than 4 classes. I also will be writing myself notes to not sign up for anything else and stay home and homeschool my kids. The more we do outside the home, the less I get done inside the home. There needs to be balance and right now I am not feeling very balanced. 

Another thing I have been feeling is lonely, and wow did God spring forth friends! I met a random lady with a four year old at gymnastics and suddenly I have invited her over to my house. I have also met with an old friend who I haven't seen in about 18 months and reconnected. Suddenly I need to make time to see people on top of all the other stuff we have going on. Today I saw the old-friend and while my friendship fellowship gauge is bubbling over in fullness, as a family we did zero homeschooling and my routine is kind of a mess. 

How do I do this? How do I homeschool, cook, clean, have friends, maintain a relationship with my husband, make time for myself and my hobbies, spend quiet time with God, work out, shower, and sleep??! It makes me dizzy to think of all the things I do. Today I picked cooking, having friends, and sleeping. All those boxes were ticked but everything else was half done or abandoned. I mean, is this normal?? Or am I doing something wrong. 

I know when I overload my schedule I exist in perpetual anxiousness that isn't good for my family or my health. When I under-load our time, sure, things may get done and boxes checked, but I am left lonely and my kids act up because they also need to get out of the house sometimes. Maintaining my community is hard, for sure! 

Perhaps what I need is grace. And a little helping of reality. Grace because every week is different, every season is not the same. And the reality: I only have 24 hours a day in which to live my life, and I should work within these bounds. If God wanted me to fit 78 hours of stuff into an 24 hour window, he would have given me 78 hours to work with. But he didn't.

A friend I was texting said something along these lines: there is a lot of truth, beauty and goodness to behold and wonder over. (and I would add: The feast is great, but we can't fill our plate with large slices of everything: a little bit of this and a little bit of that will go a long way.) 

Don't bite off more than you can chew! Will I learn my lesson or will I be saying the same thing next month?! Stay tuned to find out!