Two Weeks Till Christmas!

Christmas is approaching! What a wonderful time of the year. We have already Christmas shopped for the kids and Brian got Becky and Reuben each an electronics kit and I got Becky and Esther a doll. We are having a small Christmas this year due to purchasing a 1999 van last month! But that is okay. Everyone will be happy and we will have a wonderful time as a family! I am so excited to see the kids open their presents and spend time with my mom, and my aunt who is supposed to come down! 

Esther keeps knocking over the Christmas tree. Nineteen months is wild!

I keep trying to make time with friends. I invited a friend over today to make cookies but her life got crazy and she couldn't make it. That happens! No shade. But I am so lonely and the kids miss their friends! So, I invited my mom over instead and we took the kids to a local gym to run around and play since it was raining and then we had lunch together which was super nice. I also was supposed to have an appointment via phone with my natural-path but she ended up having too many emergencies and some of her other appointments went long so she wasn't able to get to me. I was super bummed but tried to be understanding. Life happens! I'm currently making pizza for dinner and hopeful that daddy, at least, will be home on time! 

I bought new linen pants for myself for Christmas and I love them. They are super comfy and amazing and are great postpartum pants with a stretchy waistband! They are from EmmeMama--size up if you buy them, trust me. I usually wear and XL but after reading the reviews I ordered a 1X and they fit perfectly. By the way, if you click on their shop all they have a section where you can buy returned product for a discount, and that is what I did. You just can't pick the color. I got black, which I wasn't expecting, since that was what I wanted! They are awesome! 

Plans for the new year? Sleep train Esther. Do more yoga. Homeschool! Cook! Clean! Knit! Those are still my dreams. God is so good even as I travail these little, and big, years. Having a 9 year old and a 1 year old is wild. Life is wild and good. 

Been a Little Down

Well. Another year is about to come to an end! 2024! What a year it was. November was really rough--we had a miscarriage, my seventh. By having so many I experienced this weird guilt. I felt guilty for being sad! I don't get it. Since this has happened so often I should know what to do and it shouldn't bother me anymore. But that's crazy, right? It's also slightly humiliating that this keeps happening to me. But I know God is good and his ways are better, and I trust him! It is just hard. Seven little babies didn't make it into my arms, and that is so sad! Besides my husband, we didn't tell anyone but one close friend. I guess now I'm telling everyone? 

Another hard thing happened, my beloved step father had a heart attack--or, I am not sure of the correct name--and had to have a pace maker put in! It was obviously very scary for him and for my mother, and for his daughter and for my sister and I too--I'm so glad he was okay. I need to pray for him more! And my mom too. Sometimes life keeps going and I forget to do the little things. 

Brian worked a bunch of extra hours, and there is always stress at work. But the main thing that is keeping me down is the loneliness. With two in school now, my mornings are crowded with homeschooling. My friends are homeschooling. I barely get to see one friend a week. And as an extrovert this is very hard on me. I feel very isolated and have been struggling! I try to reach out but most people are busy, or our times don't overlap, or someone gets sick at the last moment. Previously I would text at least with my friends, but even that has gotten hard to keep up with. I'm not sure what God is trying to teach me, but hopefully this is a stage. Having friends with a debilitating chronic illness is hard enough--add in homeschooling, cooking from scratch and cleaning and I am surprised I have time to write this post!

My chronic illness is worse, and my natural doctor is too swamped to help. Which also is annoying, but I get it she's a real person too. I am trying some things myself and will see if I can find some answers. Sometimes I get so discouraged because one step forward is twelve steps back and I wonder if I will ever be well. Maybe I should just go on the gaps diet again. I'm not desperate enough for that again yet. 

Turning almost 40 is another head-wrangler. I look so different than I used to. My body is changing and it's weird. I looked one way for my teens/20s and a little different for my 30s and now 40 is looming around the corner and it's so weird. Some of my friends are becoming grandmothers and here I am with a baby in my lap! Wild. 

I know God is good and I am a fallen human struggling to make the best of what I have, and I lean on him. Good habits, routine--I know all the steps to help cope. 

My kids are amazing, annoying, wonderful and everything I ever wanted. I bet they would say the same about me in certain situations? Reuben has questions I can't answer, Becky wants to wear makeup and Esther is in full toddler mode! So many things happening at once. And here I am just one mother with a bible and an instant pot asking the world for a little more sleep.

Christmas is just around the corner. We got a new-to-us-van (it's a 1999) and Brian is hanging up solar panels on our front fence. What will be next? 

I started posting on instagram again @raisingforhim if you are interested in seeing some day-to-day things. Love you all!