Loving It

I have been loving my 10 item wardrobe, ahem, I mean 13. It has been amazing. I feel great every morning and I get to wear my favorite pieces of clothing without digging and feeling overburdened or overwhelmed. Everything goes with everything. It's peace, and I like it. When I originally set it up I got rid of a huge bag of things I knew I would never wear again and today I got rid of three more small bags--two I donated and one I gave to a friend. Oh, and I started asking people to hang out again even if they are busy and I have a playdate with one good friend tomorrow and something already set up for next week! And I'm going to make a point to make it to co-op and Reuben starts football practice too... so many good things on the horizon. God is good and he is reminding me always that I am not alone, if I but turn my eyes to him. 

I really wanted to shop on thred up yesterday and I didn't. I remembered my promise to buy no clothes and went and looked at my closet and was content! I hope I can keep with my self-inflicted challenge!! For fun I pulled out all my summer pieces and put them in two empty dresser drawers so they are ready and able to be swapped out if it starts getting consistently over 80f. 

I want to make a point to make it to the park once to twice a week with the kids this summer. If I get pregnant again things might really slow down (we aren't trying) but hey it could happen and I want to soak up the time I have while I have it. The kids are at an age where they love the park and Reuben and Becky can play pretty much independently while I do the slide 30 times with Esther, hah. She's adorable. In a year or three Reuben will be 'too old' for the park even if we still go--I see some older kids there reading books next to their moms while littles play--but I want him to enjoy it while he can. 

Trying to have good boundaries with my phone lately. I still have parental controls on it and I have played around with turning the internet off at times but I always want to look something up or need to distract the baby with Bluey and its just nice to have on hand as long as I don't become a screen zombie or start using it to disassociate from my life...it's a tool, and I want to remember that. And use it as thus. 

It's raining now so I put a movie on for the kids while I wrote this post. It's a nice little break in the day before I go down and finish cleaning up the dining room, kitchen...and a load or two of laundry to switch out and put away, and some things to get ready for tomorrow. I want to make sourdough pretzel bites and I have those in my cooking-attempt list. I made an azure order and can't wait to pick it up next week. We are out of so many things that this time around was quite a big order!

Trying to build a life I love, even with the hurdles and obstacles that living throws at you. God is good and I"ll be okay, I trust him.

How are you all?

10 item Spring Wardrobe (while breastfeeding!)

If you know me at all, you know I struggle with overconsumption. I actually made a pledge on the first day of spring to buy zero clothes for the rest of the year and to use what I have. I have a closet bursting with clothing. It's overflowing and overwhelming and yet I still buy things and can't find anything to wear and am unhappy about my clothes and how they look on me. 

I realized that my problem of overconsumption is twofold. One, my love language is gifts. So when I am upset or having a hard time I buy myself a gift. Sometimes it is as small as a chocolate bar but sometimes it's a new or thrifted shirt. And in this economy with how bad the inflation is, that just isn't doable anymore. I know I have struggled with shopping addictions before too--shopping from boredom or from a place of depression, and I'd like to nip that in the bud as well. We don't have credit cards and I'm not in debt anymore, so I don't know if I can call it an addiction any longer, but I still struggle with shopping.

My other issue is a body one. My body is not the same as it was pre-Esther pregnancy, and that's okay. My body grew a whole baby! Amazing. And it looks like it grew a whole baby for the third time! And I'm thirty eight years old! This is expected and typical and I don't know why my brain expects me to be trim everywhere and perpetually thirty-two! 

I find when I don clothes they don't look on me like how I thought in my head they would look. There is a discrepancy and I must address it because I keep buying clothes hoping that "this time" it will turn out different. I unconsciously wasn't blaming my body and my body dysmorphia but instead the clothes. And that has to stop.

So this year I would like to learn to love my body. And that starts with the 10 item spring wardrobe challenge! I do love a wardrobe challenge and have done several in the past but nothing ever sticks. I am hoping that this one will. In this challenge you pick 10 core pieces and then you can add extras to flesh it out, like sweaters or other layering pieces. There is probably more to it--I didn't read the book I just watched a few YouTube videos about it. 

Here is what I picked for my spring 10 item capsule wardrobe, which I will use until summer when I'll refresh it with what I already own in my closet. I'm super excited about this and hope it works out!

I picked five dresses. Five may be a little excessive but I love dresses and I had so many this was as small I could get it without wishing to abandon the whole project. Here they are! I have two not perfect linen dresses, both thrifted from postmark. One other linen dress (the stripy short blue one) is a gift from a friend. The brown dress is also from postmark, it is a Daughters of India dress that I thrifted from there for around $60. I couldn't believe someone was selling it for that--until I got it and it was covered in stains and holes. I was so mad they didn't disclose these issues. I could have sent it back but instead I tried my best to get out the stains (some did some out) and I sewed up the holes and...that was kinda what made me start the 'no buying clothing' for a year trend. But here it is in my capsule. The multicolored dress is from an Etsy shop called off/on linen and I love it. 

I picked four bottoms, of one I am obviously wearing right now so it's not pictured. I have a green skirt and a brown one (I'm wearing the brown) and a black pair of pants and an orange pair of pants. 

I have five shirts, including the one I am wearing, which is handmade. Anyway, that makes 13 items, but who's counting? Okay, we are supposed to be counting. But this was as low as I could get it. Actually in the above closet picture I have one more shirt hanging up that I removed and put away! (The tan on with the ruffles, I'm going to save it for summer.) So maybe I will be able to remove 3 pieces to actually get down to 10, but this is pretty good for now. 

The black shirt in the photo is really worn out and needs to be replaced soon. I like to have a dark shirt because it goes with everything, and this is the only one I have. It's a cotton gauze shirt that my friend gave me. I'll try to keep wearing it since I am not supposed to be buying anything new or used this year--but maybe I can sub in my linen shirt that is dark that I use only for exercise right now? That might be an option when this one completely runs out. 

Here are my extras: I have three sweaters I will use as layering pieces. I can also wear these as shirts. These are my two handmade sweaters and one black wrap cardigan that I love because it goes with everything. I also have (not pictured) two cotton black leggings I wear under dresses when it is cold and one cotton black "shorts" I also wear under a dress if I feel I'll be running around and it might fly up. 

I'm not sure if PJs count as extras. I sleep in a nursing shirt and a pair of sleep pants and have just enough pairs to take me through the week. I wash laundry once a week and plan to keep on doing that even with a smaller wardrobe. 

I hope after doing this all spring I will find I can declutter most of my other spring clothes, keeping only a few to "switch out" when my regular 10 item wardrobe needs a piece replaced. 

What about you? Would you try a 10-item wardrobe and why or why not? And should I read the book?  I probably should read the book. I wonder if they have it on audible...

hat for Reuben

Do you ever start crocheting with no plan in mind? Just to do something with your hands from boredom or idleness or because? That is how this hat started out with stash yarn and a 4.5mm hook. I love it! Reuben also loved it and snapped it up as soon as I was done with it. 

I have a few things I need to finish up but sometimes the only thing you want to do is start on something new.

I think, what God is teaching me...

I think what God is teaching me in this season is to be content in all things, and to give joy in all things. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)

Well, I don't know that my life has faced much persecution but I have definitely faced many trials, from my own selfishness to my toxic and controlling mother in law... there have been many valleys in that department. I suppose I should thank her for the lessons in patience and forbearance she has taught me. Her name is Ruth, which I find ironic given the origins of that name in a biblical sense. I wish she was more like that Ruth. 

Anyway I was thinking of her the other day when someone at church mentioned they have dinner at that their in-laws twice a month. What a blessing that would be to me if I had that kind of relationship with my mother in law. What a nice break it would be, what companionship! But we don't, and I think we never will. Instead I got a nagging, lying manipulator for a mother in law who seems to resent the very fact that I have married her son and taken him away from her. Every encounter with her is a battle--she makes it that way no matter what I do. After what I have experienced with her, I know now all the things not to do when my son and daughters begin dating. There is a reason Brian has never had a good relationship with her. There is a reason he never tells her anything and hid his entire life from her as a teen and young adult. At least I have established excellent boundaries with her. We don't allow her over and we don't visit. We see her at church, and that's it, and it's only because she attends there. I won't allow her to come between my children and me or my marriage.

Reuben is starting flag football this weekend. I hope I did not make a mistake signing up for this. There will be 1-2 practices a week in the evening and one game every Saturday. It is quite the commitment for this homeschooling mom of two with a baby in tow, especially someone with a chronic illness who dislikes leaving the house after 5pm. I am hopeful that Brian can take him to some of the practices. I am hopeful he will make friends. I am hopeful I won't get burnt out. We are in the last six weeks of school here--and flag football lasts eight weeks so, the discontinuation of school will make football much easier. I still need to go get him cleats. And a mouth guard. Or two mouth guards. They are required to play and I want to have a back up for sure. 

God is teaching me patience in other ways too. He is teaching me to wait for healing for Reuben. He's come so far but he has so far to go. He can halfway breathe out of his nose now. He's doing osteopathic neuromuscular manipulation with Alison at CHS in town and it's helping so much! And he is getting an arch expander in 4 weeks. So much happening this year--so much potential for healing. And I'm praying for his healing so he can be a strong man one day and a healthy one too. I am trusting in the Lord, where my trust should be! 

 Taking time to write is cathartic. Perhaps words are all the friends I need at this time.

the head canon on my current friendships you didn't know you needed

I have been in a lonely spot with motherhood. I'm not sure if it's my 40s, or if its just the current culture, the age of my kids, the homeschooling (two now) or...what it is. But slowly over the last two years I have felt a distance where I have never felt one before. I have been introspective and asked hard questions. Is it me? Have I forgotten how to be a good friend? Am I failing at boundaries? Am I missing something? I don't get it. I think it is just the changing dreams of people, and perhaps my chronic illness and the demands of homeschooling. 

Two years ago I had a wide diverse friend group. I feel lately that I really have no friends. No one wants to hang out. Some of them have really good excuses, like my friend Mandy who lost her husband. It's been almost two years now and it's still an adjustment for her. I have been trying to watch her kids for her every week so she can get a break and because I love her. But she doesn't want to or have time to hang out the way we used to. And that's okay. 

My friend Kim has been distant too. Kim lives near me and recently had a foster set of three! She also has one foster kid who is all grown up who takes a lot of her time. But she used to make time for me. I always try to make time for her, text her, ask to hang out, invite her places. And she has been going through a lot. She lost a good friend two years ago who also did foster care in a freak accident--this friend had four kids with him at the time and they all died. It was terrible and everyone cried for weeks, even though I never knew him (he drove across a river and the car was swept away.) My friend Mandy's husband--Andrew, the one who passed away--taught one of the boys who died in this tragic accident. I think Kim is grieving a lot of things, her foster kids who were reunited with their parents (which is great they are back with family) but also trauma, and her friend who died and probably so much more life stuff that I don't even know about.

I have other friends. Julia and Amy were really close but both of them started attending this church in Amherst. It sounds like a great church and a wonderful fit for them, but it's about 45 minutes away, and they do stuff 3-4 times a week with their church now and don't have time for extra things. They both have four kids and both home school, and both do a home school co-op together on Mondays. I finally stopped asking them to hang out because between co-op and church they just can't. Perhaps I should keep trying. But Julia didn't even RSVP for Becky's birthday party, she just said she was busy and couldn't come and she had thought she had replied. I assumed she was coming because she didn't say anything, but I guess people get busy and forget to text? I feel like friends would make time for each other. I am trying. But perhaps it is a hard season for them and they can't. Or they've moved on. Wish friendship 'closure' was a thing! Feels like a loose end that needs tying up.

I guess I get it, everyone is forging their own paths. But I am an extrovert and I miss my friends! Melissa, who used to be my best friend, is homesteading and homeschooling and she barely replies to my text messages. I do see her infrequently at some events we both attend--I go to her co-op that she runs with her sister in law when I can make it, and both our girls are in the same piano so paths cross. But I feel like I bother her when I text, or ask to hang out. I stopped asking years ago. She is too busy. And she has family and other friends I think she prioritizes, and that's okay. She's amazing, and the first friend I ever had that deeply encouraged me in my faith walk. I know I idolize her a little much but everyone needs one friend that personifies the proverbs 31 woman, right? Melissa is that person to me, and I love her, and I definitely don't want to be a burden to her by any means! That's not friendship. I think with Melissa---I think I was her friend, but she wasn't my friend. I think I was a project to her a little bit--and I definitely needed to be because I had major issues when we met--me a new Christian and her a fount of wisdom with her 20 years of honoring Christ under her belt, even if we are the same age! And while that is sad to realize, its okay. I told Melissa a lot about myself, and asked for a lot of help and advice, but I wasn't able to give her much in return. Maybe one day I'll be wise enough to have something to offer. 

I have a few extremely introverted friends who only want to hang out on a very limited basis, like my friend Emily who also attends my church, and of these friends I try to be respectful. I know I'm overwhelming. Emily is such a sweet introverted friend who I have gotten to know slowly over the years and continue to hang out with maybe once a month. 

I think making friends in your 40s is just hard. Everyone has their own lives. I have tried to make new friends but no one seems interested. I'm either too old (lots of people in their 20s have kids my kids age) or in a totally different season of life--some of the people I know in their 40s are grandparents! I am fine being friends with any woman no matter her age, and I know it takes a long time to develop a deep and lasting friendship. But it seemed easier when I was young, single and time seemed endless between work hours. And it seemed easy too when I had toddlers. Now my time is limited because of homeschooling and I am frequently sick with my chronic illness or one of my kids is sick, and things just are not the same.

So here I am complaining on the internet. I would like to think of it more as working though things myself, but who knows. Am I friends with any of the above people? I thought of what would happen if I just stopped texting them. Would they even notice? Are these friendships only one sided? Am I a horrible friend? 

(I guess I should say I was used to having 2-3 play dates with friends a week. We now have 0 weekly usually. It's been about one a month. This has also been an adjustment for my kids as well!) 

I don't know. Is it just a seasonal thing, and I'll make new friends? I have another friend named Kim who lives an hour away. She is a natural doctor and has 10 kids, many of them grown. She is homeschooling the remaining few, homesteading with her husband doing raw milk, and she has large amounts of clients. But she still texts me sometimes and she came to my birthday party, and that was great. She might be more like a mentor to me than a friend. 

Do I need friends? I feel like I do. I miss them and often feel like I'm spinning in circles wishing to be with someone or make plans with someone and there isn't anyone. 

Does anyone else feel like this? Where do 40 year olds make friends, anyway. The parks are full of toddler moms when we go who look like 20 somethings. They don't want to talk to me. I don't go to bars and the library is too quiet. Where do I find my tribe? And how did I lose it? 

God is good and he will be enough for me in this season. I will cling to him, and deepen my relationship with him while I try to search out good edifying friendships for myself and for my children. All hope is not lost! Maybe I will find the fatal flaw in myself and everything will be okay. Or maybe life will settle down in a few years and people will have more time for friendships and fellowship. For now I will keep on keeping on being lonely and hopeful. And weird. 

Wave Shawl

I finished another shawl. I knit all through fall and winter and as spring slowly warms up here my knitting bug is wearing off. I still have many unfinished projects to work on but no motivation. 

This shawl was inspired by Becky. She was telling me how I didn't have any blue shawls to wear with blue things in fall/winter, and thus I gathered up all my blue yarn and started on this. Or maybe she said she wanted a blue shawl? Probably both.

I made this with knitpicks stash yarn and used two worsted weights held together and a large numbered knitting needle. I forget the size. And lots of knitting and purling, obviously. I made up the simple pattern as I went along, trying to mimic waves coming in the shore.

We both love it and we both hope to wear it lots this coming winter.

My husband's been putting the Baby to Bed

The first week I just lay around and read books, looked at my phone, did chores I never get to (because toddler) and ate snacks. The second week I started crafting. I feel like myself again, for at least for two hours every evening! Yes, it usually takes an hour to get her to bed, then my husband will join me and chat or he will relax however he wants to. And he puts her to bed with no crying! We've transitioned her to sleep in a toddler bed right next to our bed--but she doesn't stay in it of course. She wakes up around 11 and climbs in bed with me but that's okay--its bliss to go to sleep by myself!

For bedtime, my husband reads books to her, pats her back, turns out the lights...sometimes he will look at videos on his phone with her. It's so great and I am so grateful. We didn't get Reuben out of our bed until he was over 3, and Becky was in bed with us too until 3-- and since she was born when Reuben was 2.5 (yeah we were bed sharing with two kids for awhile) that's SIX YEARS of co-sleeping. I am thunderstruck. I never counted it up like that. Plus Esther. I've been married 13 years and co-sleeping with kids for almost 8 of them. 

I did bedtime with Esther for the last 22 months (nursing to sleep, and we contact sleep so...holding her until I go to bed...) and this breather has been amazing. 

God is good and he's always giving me gifts. 

Esther turns two this may. What another milestone. She's growing up. 

It is weird to be almost 40 and go to the park with my kids and meet a 22 year old mom with a baby the same age as mine. Actually, if their mom had them at 20, I could be only a few years younger than their own mother! How mind boggling! But what a blessing to have a baby in my "old age." Hah! 

Getting a break and having peace in my home is so nice. 

How are you all? Oh, I also packed away my computer so I don't have access to pictures for these blog posts. Maybe I'll go back and add them later when I take it out again... 

Late Night Thoughts about Ruby Frank

Eight PM is late, isn't it? For this mom of three with one who still wakes 2-3 times a night, 8 is late. It's almost bedtime!

I was thinking recently about the Ruby Frank case--if you don't know about it, she was a full time family vlogger who was abusing her kids behind the scenes and now is in jail--and all the questions that have come from that. Many people are saying there can be no good in family vlogging and even one of Ruby's own daughters came out and said vlogging is abusive and wrong. I can't remember the exact quote I am sure you can Google it. 

So, as someone who used to vlog her kids--from birth to age 5 with Reuben, so Becky was 3--can there be good in family vlogging? Well, Ruby's daughter has only seen the toxic side of it with her mother, of course she is hesitant! But yes, there are good family vloggers. At least I think so! The biggest example of that is Chole and Beans who runs the channel Life With Beans. Her and her husband are full time vloggers (and now they run a online toy/kids clothing store as well) and their vlogs are wholesome, okay for kids to watch, and drama free. You will have to watch them to form your own opinion, but I find them a prime example of good parenting and ethical vlogging. 

Was I a good vlogger? I was kinda unhinged. I vlogged for myself because I loved making videos and was suddenly, with the birth of my first child, unable to make knitting and crochet videos (what I was doing before) and thought that vlogging would be a good creative outlet for me that I could accomplish with the added responsibilities of a growing family. And it was fun. Even if I wasn't good at it, it was still fun and my kids and I love to watch back many of those videos to this day! 

What would I change, if anything? I perhaps was too personal with my own life in it--but I am an extrovert that does not have many boundaries and I don't mind sharing. My kids were babies and toddlers. Why did I quit? It was two-fold. When Reuben got older, things just got awkward. Filming my life with littles was soul stretching for me and felt wholesome, but with older kids, who were getting shy--it felt invasive. Honestly, Reuben was starting to not like it, and his needs were changing and I needed to change to meet his needs. So I stopped. It simply wasn't the season for it, and now with homeschooling, a burgeoning chronic illness and adding a third (amazing) daughter to our family, I don't have the time to figure out if it's a feasible thing, much less think about the morality! 

What do you think? We as parents make so many choices for our kids--since they cannot make them on their own. They can't choose between homeschooling or public school, they can't choose what kind of car you drive or what type of diet you feed them, or even the color of the carpet. We moms and dads are tasked with the responsibility of caring and maintaining the atmosphere and emotional well-being of our kids. Thus, obviously, the choices we make will look different for each family, but that's the beauty of caring for our kids. They are ours and they need different things. So while vlogging may work for some, it might not for others--and that's okay. As long as we are keeping our kids safe and loving, honoring and respecting them as persons, I think a few videos can be a fun addition to the family memory vault.  

All the Little Things Went Wrong but we Survived

I woke up with a toothache. And had no energy until after lunch. Also headache, all day. I don't know, it was just one of those days where everything is a little bit irritating. For no reason. Why? I don't know, I exist, therefore irritation. Yay.

We all still have lingering sinus infections from our most recent cold. Yes, we had another cold after the flu I wrote about last week! I can't believe it. Maybe we need to check our house for mold.

I wore my favorite skirt today and also did my hair, which I never do. I need to do my hair more. It was fun. And didn't take as long as I thought it would. Anyway, I dripped my skirt into the toilet at one time and had to change, which was also irritating. And gross. 

We did only Becky's school today because Reuben spent the whole day putting his amazon order together (it's a dresser) and that was school enough for him. He only cried once (a miscommunication with me) and I am amazed that my nine year old can put together an entire dresser with poor instructions from Amazon and only a tiny bit of help from his seven year old sister... wow. I could not have done that at nine. He's amazing.  

But, because of this project, I'm behind on Reuben's school, so if we can't finish tomorrow I will have... mom guilt. He will be fine, I will just feel irritated that I didn't finish what I was supposed to and planned to finish. Mom life. Life in general, where expectations do not meet reality. 

Anyway I settled down with the baby for a nap after lunch and while she slept I finished reading a book and admired at the snow. It's so pretty and fluffy this time and the kids had a great time playing in it this morning. Last time it was icy and annoying but this time...fluff heaven! I made hot chocolate afterwards and we all enjoyed that, except for my toothache which probably was made worse from the coconut sugar. 

I know these are the moments I will cherish. I would just cherish them a little bit more if I slept better (or rather, Esther slept better and woke up less!) and my head didn't hurt so much and I wasn't so tired! But this is the life and the baby (and body) I was given so, here I am. I will try to be content. 

I made apple crisp for dinner because the apples were going bad but instead I had leftover soup, because diabetes and toothaches. I actually like the soup and feel great about that! I wore my favorite shirt today too, the new one that I got for valentines day. You can see a little bit of it in the first picture. It's divine and covered with florals. 

Tomorrow I need to make the kombucha, do a lot of school, clean my house and the bathroom and knit? If I have any time for knitting? Oh, and work on this toothache because I don't want it to turn into an emergency. 

How are you all? 

Esther sure is cute and she's growing up fast. 

Life Update

We all got the flu. It was terrible. I guess it may have been covid but whatever it was, I was delirious for 24 hours and so was Brian. I don't know how we survived. It was the freezer meals, and garlic enemas. And the fact that the kids didn't get to the awful stage until 2 days later when I was sort of functional again. We were all sick for an entire week. Then coughing and no energy for a week. We missed two Sundays and Esther and I still have a bit of post nasal drip. I hit the lowest low of "everything is a complete mess and I have no energy" that I have ever hit. We ate all the freezer meals. At one point I was like, well, toast for dinner? And toast was had. 

Esther had a temp of 104 during the flu...

Anyway, my house was a wreck and I was a wreck and everyone still needed to be fed. I wasn't parenting from a calm place, let me tell you. I don't yell at my kids but...wow, that was crazy stressful. Our media consumption in the way of video games and movies was at max capacity. I am a clean freak. I am organized. I do not let my house get messy. Here are some pictures of the downstairs of my house during the flu apocalypse. 

I just now feel like we are gaining ground again and there is a blizzard of up to seven inches of snow expected tomorrow! My house is clean again. I mean, as clean as having three kids and homeschooling can make it, but it looks presentable. And not like the above pictures. I am too hard on myself LOL. I put the TV in the closet so we can have a media purge and I'm loving it. (We still play video games come on I'm not crazy.)

We are all finally well. I am praying we stay well and also I am thanking God we all made it through. God is teaching me to rely on him and to make him my joy--that is what I learned during those dreadful two weeks. 

Also, in an unrelated note, I can't find pants that fit. I bought a pair of 12s and couldn't even get them on. So I was like, maybe I am a 14? Last time I wore pants I was a 10, so...anyway, I bought a pair of 14 and a pair of 16 pants. The 16s are huge. I can wear them with a belt. I can't even get the 14s on. What size am I? I have no idea. This is why I don't wear pants. Stretchy waistband for the win. I usually wear an XL in leggings now so I think that is a 14? Your guess is my guess. I also need to buy underwear and socks because mine are literally falling apart. Hah! Too much life update?

Oh, and I forgot to post about Becky's birthday (or did I? the post virus brain fog is real) but she got her ears pierced and she's over the moon in love. Though she hates sleeping in them. 

Today, Reuben was put in charge of dressing Esther because I was in the middle of cooking when she wanted out of the bath. Isn't she cute? Reuben also made these cookies in school today. A nine year old boy is very resourceful.

Anyway, I bought myself a daughters of India dress for my birthday and I love it. I got it secondhand from poshmark and spring better come soon because I am never taking it off. I've wanted one forever (google it, you'll understand) and I found the exact one I wanted, new with tags, but 60$ less secondhand. I'm looking at it now and gushing to myself. 

What are you guys up too? Happy February. Is it spring yet? 

Small Shawl - Green Peas

I finished this shawl in 2024, but here we are. I am calling it green peas and I love it! This color of green and yellow goes with everything and it's cozy and warm. I even threw it on Esther at church once and it was super cute. I made the pattern up so I could work on it while nursing and in between all the motherhood and housework. 

It's made of wool and alpaca, and the alpaca makes it really soft for your neck.

It came out great and I am very happy with it! I need to wear it more. Accessories are hard when you are a mom of a toddler. 

Christmas Shawl

I wanted a shawl to wear at Christmas, and I wanted it to be BIG. Well, I got a good medium size before I gave up--it was a week before the holidays and I was tired of knitting on it. I was also running out of yarn. I decided to massively block it which helped make it a little bigger. 

I made this pattern up myself. I did purl color work rows for the first time! That was crazy, but by the end of it I got quite good. 

I don't like these pictures...it is so hard to get good pictures as a busy mom. Well, my son, who is 9 took the one below but the thing I don't like about it is the messy floor in the house (and my wrinkled dress) LOL! Not his fault--he's a great photographer, I'm a hot mess, and this is just my life. I love my life, but it does come with wrinkles of all kinds and messes, too.

What should I make next? A sibling. A little sibling for Esther? I don't know if that is a good idea, but we are trying. Here is to baby number four at the end of 2025, lord willing! I think it will take until 2026, and I'll be having a baby in my 40s. Which is kinda crazy in an of itself. 

I need to do more hot yoga. 

Becky Cardigan

Finally getting around to taking some pictures of Becky, age 6, wearing the cardigan I crochet her! Isn't it cute? This is the Granny Hexagon Cardigan by Amytdesigns. I love it, very much, even if it was a LOT of repetition. It's done, she loves it, and I think it will fit her at 7 too!

Wearing

Just a bunch of pictures of Esther wearing things I made her. I can't keep up with Reuben (9) hardly at all anymore when we are outdoors, and with chasing the toddler I forget to take pictures of the older two often! Life.

Birthday Thoughts

There's been a lot of introspection in my heart this week. Does my house really need to be clean? Granted, it makes me really happy. But is the expectation that everything will be put back where it goes and that daily my house will be orderly make anyone but me happy? Am I hurting my family with my constant and incessent need to tidy? It is an overpowering urge. I think it is half my controlling nature and half that our living room, dining room and kitchen are all one room. And maybe half that we are at home a lot and use our space a lot and half that everything is just more efficient when tidied. But I am learning to let go a bit. I have a toddler, a 6 year old and a 9 year old. I like books and crafts and I bake and cook from scratch. Things are going to get messy. And that's okay.

We are all still sick. But on the mend. Two of us are mostly better (the boys) and three of us have gnarly coughs (the girls) of which I am the best of. We missed piano today. I am tired. Everything is dry and my face hurts from blowing my nose. We are watching too much TV. But that's okay. 

We did a little bit of school today with all the sick and I made two meals but couldn't make dinner. Well, I did make a fresh loaf of sourdough bread, does that count? It was eaten with gusto by everyone but one child who does not fancy sourdough bread and had a bowl of cereal instead. I guess that's okay? I'm too sick to feel guilt. 

I'm getting excited about my birthday this weekend (it's on Friday but we will celebrate over the weekend when hubby is off work) I'm going to attempt cake if I feel up to testing my blood sugar, but I might just make sourdough chocolate bread. I'm not sure yet. It's my birthday so...it's fine. I do better with sourdough in terms of my diabetes so it might be a safer choice if I don't want to feel tired from high blood sugar. 

My birthday present to myself came! I bought myself this pretty moth sweater I saw on Etsy. I will say I was slightly disappointed. The model in the picture seems to be wearing a XS or S, and I assumed the design would look the same (large) on the XL I bought. The design is the same size as on the S the model is wearing, it wasn't scaled up for the larger size. Thus the moth motief looks a lot smaller on me than I was expecting. But it's still very cosy and very cool looking, so that's great, right? 

Brian is working late tonight and I'm going to read a book. Bye!

I can't believe it.

Esther has croup. Someone has been sick in this house since two weeks before Christmas! I am so over it. Poor little Esther. We also got more snow last night, but in my area it mostly melted today so the roads should be fine, which is a relief if I have to take Esther to the doctor. But the big kids went sledding with Daddy outside for three hours.

Around dinner time, my husband announced that he is getting sick too. So please pray for us that we can shake off these reoccurring, back to back illnesses and all get better! And that hubby could get better quickly because co-parenting is so much better than caring for a sick husband and child and doing it all myself. It really is hard, even if my family is a blessing. 

Esther lately has been obsessed with 'washing hands'. She would literally wash her hands all day if I let her, and in true toddler fashion she can now carry her little chair around and get to the sink all on her own, the cutie pie. We finally got her some new, warm, well-fitting clothes and she is just a ham. 

I am exhausted from all the sick. God is so good and I am trying to meditate on him through this difficult season. This is both mine and Becky's birthday month and so far all I have been doing is reacting and caring for the sick people! I guess God wanted me to be focused and busy this new year. 

Maybe we all need daily vitamin D. I'm sure it's in our multivitamin we take. It has to be right? I'm going to go check. 

Bluey Break

Esther just woke up from her 1.5 hour contact nap and I need a break. Bluey to the rescue! Also I gave her a chocolate truffle. She's happy as a clam and I am getting a half hour to myself. I took this time to order size up shoes for Esther and a book for Reuben and am writing this blog post. 

2025, I have so many wishes. Crafting and spending time with my kids. Long afternoons reading with and without my children. Board games! Drawing, painting, jewelry making. And I would love to have some extended talks with my husband about everything under the sun. 

And decluttering. Cleaning. Homeschooling. Life.

We've been sick again. That weird migraine/flu thing came back for 24 hours and I was legitimately afraid.  Becky was doing well with it but Reuben was bed-bound and crying for some of it and it was breaking my heart. There is nothing like seeing your poor kid in pain and not being able to help them. I mean, I was trying. We did a herb bath, cold compress on his head, naps, resting, vitamin C and other supplements that I know are good for the flu and homeopathic remedies. This was the day it snowed and iced like crazy so we honestly could not get out even if it was an emergency--and it wasn't an emergency, I was just so sad to see him so sick. He felt better by the end of the day and was 90% to normal today. God is so good--and it is hard to trust him through the trials, especially with my babies. But my babies belong to Him and are gifts of God from his hands of mercy. I am so grateful for my three blessings that I get to raise for as long as God has plans for us. His ways are good.  

I'm so glad Becky, Reuben and Esther are healthy this morning. I'm so glad our electricity didn't go out during that storm. I am so glad we were able to stay warm and comfortable even if our heat pump broke from all the ice (Brian will fix it this weekend). What a crazy whirlwind. We made it out to Piano today and the roads are fine. I have more errands to run tomorrow and Thursday and will keep hoping for ice-free freeways. 

Here is to the weekend, the gym, and resting with a cup of tea and maybe some knitting. 

I think we are having cereal for dinner. 

Oh my Gosh

The new year hit like a bang. It's always something, right? We went to our church's new year party from 7-9 and that was a ton of fun! I didn't know how long we would make it with a one year old whose bedtime is 7:30pm, but Esther actually took a late nap that day and was fine. It was great to fellowship with friends and bring in the new year together, though we were the first to leave (well, another couple left before us but they were not going home, they were going to another party, so I don't think it counts lol).

I woke up to sick Esther. She had a fever and was covered in spots. When I say spots, I mean spots! 

90 percent of her body looked like this or worse. I don't know if it was roseola or fifth's disease but baby girl was miserable for all of January 1st. She woke up normal on the second but still covered in spots. Her spots are finally clearing up today, January 4th, and she's back to her cute and energetic, though speckled self. On the 2nd around 3pm both my older kids suddenly came down with migraines. Reuben had a headache all day but it ramped up and nothing I was giving him was helping. He put himself to bed around 7 (super strange for my night owl son) and I was worried about him--he was not acting right and seemed very sick. Becky followed suit. I gave them meds for the flu and both of them slept through the night and woke up with only a cold on the 3rd. They are both fine now except Reuben has a sinus infection. 

I, however, am exhausted. Esther isn't sleeping well the last few days (probably whatever she has) and with her and the sick on/off kids and you know, all the other millions of things I do--its just been a week even though it's only been four days of 2025. 

God is good. Reuben and I have been reading through Samual in school and we are at the part where Saul becomes king and I've never been so introspective in my life. I mean everyone wants to be David who is the man after God's own heart but I think I am way more like Saul who does what he wants and ignores God's precepts and rules. I am always ready to justify my own sin just like does. I feel so sorry for Samual who tries to point Saul to what is right. I have been meditating on that verse where it says Samual stayed up all night crying to the Lord after he found out Saul did the sacrifices himself and did not obey God's commands. What parent hasn't felt like that at least once in their kids life? We want so much for our babies to love and honor christ and to become more like him and it's agonizing to see them struggle and fail. I think that is what Samual was going through. He loved Saul and really wanted to see Israel flourish under his rule and to see God glorified and all Saul does is lie and chase after his own fame. And poor Samuel didn't even get to see his own kids love the Lord. It's all just sad and so, so real. 

I never thought I would relate to Saul. I hope I can really dedicate myself to the Lord and not half-half anything so important as that. My soul is worth more, my kids are worth more, and God is worthy. 

Esther Rose is in full toddler meltdown mode today and I ran upstairs to write this and I'm listening to her cry and fuss a bit at daddy who is trying. Trying to do what, I do not know, because I am up and he is down but I can hear some of it. Sometimes it is hard to let him parent when I think I can do it better or I think he's doing it wrong but I am touched out! 

I wish my husband could read my thoughts. It would make life so much easier because somehow translating my thoughts into words confuses him. Why can't he ever hear what I am saying? Why is communication so hard? I sure don't know. I definitely have high expectations which doesn't help. 

Next November will be 13 years of marriage. 

It's supposed to snow tomorrow!

Becky played the piano today and it was beautiful.