Sick Again

I'm sick again. Only me! What is this baffling phenomenon? Usually one of the kids gets sick followed by me or husband and the rest of my family. But this is the second time I've gotten sick first this year!

a selfie before being sick....

This Saturday is Reuben's last football game. His team has lost two, won two, and tied once (no one was able to score) and I think that is a perfect season of learning and achievements. It was also chaos having two more things to schedule in our week--one practice and one game--so I am very glad the end of the season draweth nigh. Our last week of school is supposed to be this week too. I finished Becky's school but being sick has made Reuben's delayed again. He still has 3 days of school left. I might just forget about it or we will do it next week. I haven't decided yet.

I've been loving this YouTube account of Madisun Gray in CA. Her minimalist lifestyle videos keep my heart full of joy and help with my impulse buying. It was through her that I found out about the 10 item wardrobe which I did for spring and just switched it up to a summer one, now that it's above 80f daily here. 

Being sick is no fun. I am not having any fun. My house is once again a mess and my husband has been working long hours, my kids are tired of helping with the baby (she's napping right now! I couldn't sleep!) and they are tired of leftovers. Hopefully I am teaching them the beauty of family and they can learn to be thankful the meals we have. I am trying to be thankful myself.

Here is to summer and beyond! 

Paper Sloyd: Key Tag, Stamp Book, Triangular Catch All

Three more paper modelling lessons! These videos cover the key tag, stamp book and triangular catch all. Hope these videos help you as you homeschool your little ones through sloyd. Good luck! 

Esther Rose Turns Two!

It was a beautiful balmy day for Esther's birthday, with a high around 80. We went to her favorite park with friends and some homemade carrot cake cupcakes (Esther slowly licked the frosting off hers) and after her nap we got pizza and ice cream. I am not sure she completely understands birthdays. Hah! She knows how to sing happy birthday though.

We had to leave a bit early due to husband having a horrible allergy attack and Becky crying because she was too hot...it's just life with littles and pollen. 

But after ice cream and attention, Esther is throughly worn out. She had a massive nap. Now shes is happy as a lark playing outside while I write her birthday post. Esther, you are amazing and I love you. I can't wait to see you turn 22, much less 2! Every day with you is a gift. 

For her birthday she got a chattermax that actually talks from amazon and a little fluffy ball-alien thing. She is over the moon! Oh to be two and to love your mama and be ecstatic about ice cream and sleep like an angel. 

We are blessed to have her. 

Her Last Day

Things have been particularly stressful lately. It's our first week well from a cold, we ate all the leftovers and there are some foods in the fridge that need to be thrown out. So much needs to be done! My house is neat but the deep cleaning I do every week needs to be done and I have no energy. Next week is our last week of school and wow is everyone ready to be done, including the teacher! Summer break, here we come! 

Brian has been working a lot and I think the stress of work is getting to him. I wish I knew how to help him manage it. He won't pack his lunch when he's stressed, and even when I make his lunch and put it in the fridge he won't take it! It's like I have to make it, pack it, and put it in his lunchbox by the door with his keys attached so he won't forget it, and sometimes I am not even awake when he leaves. It depends on how much I nursed with Esther Rose the night before. And it's not like he will just go out to eat if he forgets his lunch--he will skip lunch which I think adds to his stress and moods when he gets home. 

We have a lot of work to do with owning a house--so many things need addressing and he is the main one that does things like changes high lightbulbs and puts siding on, fixes cars, mows the lawn...in the winter the lawn isn't an issue but in the spring and summer our yard is a long messy grassy tundra. I always feel so defeated by our lawn. Husband is so exhausted on the weekends sometimes he can't mow, or sometimes he is sick and then we get behind and once we get behind it's like we never catch up! 

I can't mow with a baby and honestly I don't even know if I could start the mower since it's extremely old and ornery. Even my husband struggles with starting it. Anyway, he has been unhappy and in a bad mood for awhile and I am not sure if it's work, or turning 40, or something I am doing.  Pray for him, and for me, because I am tired too.

I'm volunteering as a mentor for the month of May. When I signed up things were going smoothly and of course now I feel stressed, but it will be okay. I am excited to meet the lady I will be mentoring. It always goes two ways--I learn so much from them as they learn from me. It is pregnancy resource mentoring--the girl I mentor is expecting a baby! You are supposed to support them emotionally and offer friendship and encouragement. Most of the ladies who join are low income or single moms. At the end of the month of mentoring you throw them a baby shower. It's going to be so much fun. I love people and I hope I can be a help to this mother in whatever way she needs.

Esther Rose turns two tomorrow. I am thunderstruck as to how fast the two years since her birth have gone. I am a little sad that her little brother or sister didn't make it. I really wanted her to be a big sister, but I am trusting God and know he knows what is best for our family. God has been so good to us in so many ways! 

I want to find a pool to join for the summer. I'd like to live there all summer long. The kids love swimming and need practice. Any lakes/rivers are too far away (closest one is 45 minutes) and I'd love to swim as much as possible. I also need to sign them up for swim lessons, hopefully there are still some available. 

Today is Esther Rose's last day to be one. I made an amazing fried rice for lunch, the best I ever made. We had sausage and eggs for breakfast with a keifer smoothie and I have a chuck of beef in the crock pot for lunch.  We have to go out at 4 to pick up our Azure order so I want something prepared for when we come back. I'm prepared, unlike yesterday when I was too tired to cook so Reuben made brownies and we all ate that with ice cream. The kids were thrilled, I felt some mom guilt but we all lived and here we are with the veggies and the rice! 

I'm "redoing" our bedroom. I have never really decorated it or painted and I really want to jazz it up. The idea is to have a theme (our sheets/ curtains are all over the place, red a blue!! a nightmare) and I gave myself a budget of 400, spending 100 a week to split it up for budgeting. I am going to order a new duvet in a brown color, and a desk for the kids computer because it's been on a side table forever annoying me with copious plugs and wires...I also ordered a bed skirt to hide all the stuff under the bed as well as new sheets that match and new curtains, and artwork for the walls. I'm so excited for something fresh and new! Half the stuff is ordered and the other half will have to wait until next paycheck. 

How are you all?

Paper Modelling: Barn, Rabbit Hutch, Trough

Here are three more paper modeling tutorials for those taking their kids through Paper Modelling by M. Swannell. Enjoy! Do you do paper sloyd at home in your homeschool? We love it here-- though it is very hard and frustrating at times. Good luck! 

Enjoy the Barn, Rabbit Hutch and Trough from year one. 

Ambleside Year 4, Year 1 Thoughts

I am about to finish my first year homeschooling two children with a toddler! We have three weeks left, but I am going to squish it into two. I deserve a reward. Like a large bar of dark chocolate! Hahah! And so do the kids! We really all have worked so hard. 

Well, what a whirlwind. I was reading my blog about my thoughts when I did year 1 last time and wow do I feel (mostly) differently! My favorite book to read with Becky was the animal stories from James Herriot's Treasury for Children. My least favorite book this time around was the Burgess Bird Book. If I have to read about Peter Rabbit going lippity lippity around the woods and taking to birds one more time I might go insane. 

Becky said her favorite book was Aesop's Fables. 

Year one went smoothly. Becky is a natural narrator who can give very good narrations when she pays attention. Her attention is the key thing! She started school with gusto and was loving every day, until something switched and she lost interest. I started giving her Fridays off and doing her work just Monday-Thursday and that seemed to help. Her favorite subject is drawing and she's still doing piano. She's just amazing. She has a little bit of dysgraphia and a whole lot of gumption and one fiery attitude. She's perfect. And I hope after the summer break she will head into year two with a smile. 

She's reading simple words. After hunting around for a good curriculum (the one I used with Reuben was not working with her dysgraphia) we are on lesson 38 of Teach your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I told her we will have to do some of that through the summer so she doesn't forget everything. She understood but wasn't thrilled. 

Unlike Reuben's first year where I gave up and we ended school with 5 or 6 weeks of Ambleside left (I had planned to do a few readings in the summer but never did) we finished the entire curriculum with Becky. It feels great to know what I am doing and what to expect going forward. Homeschooling has grown with me, and I've grown into it. First children are trial children, right? I'm laughing, are you laughing?

Reuben is doing January to January school term right now, so he just finished Terms 1 and 2 of Year 4 and will finish up year 4 in August and start year 5 right after. My favorite book hands down with him has been Abigail Adams. I think I will adore that book for the rest of my life. It's perfect and I never knew how amazing Abigail and John Adams really were, and how much a part of history. Reuben loved Robinson Crusoe--though the readings were long and at first it was quite a slog. He also loves Minn of the Mississippi. Really, all the year four books are so good, I've only heard him complain about Plutarch's Lives. And I complain about Plutarch too. What is he? Why is he? I don't know, but we are doing it. Perhaps it will make sense later.

We started written narrations in the second term of year 4 and he's doing great. He can do a bible reading here and there by himself and he's reading great, but not able to do his readings by himself yet which suits me just fine. I need this education just as much as him and it is nice to read it together. I love the new subjects too. We read A Midsummer's Night's Dream in the first term and he picked Romeo and Juliet for the second term. I enjoy latin immensely and grammar has been hard (because of my dyslexia) but fun. He enjoys it all. 

Next year we are dropping Spanish for sign language. I also rarely make it to music study. It is what it is. Life is going and so is school and it's all intermixed and interesting. 

How are you all? How was your year? 

I'm already adding a year five book to my amazon orders here and there...getting excited about new books and new stories! 

Paper Modelling (Box and Lid, The Basket, Coal Scuttle)

Some more delightful handicraft videos for your homeschool! These are from the book "Paper Modelling" by M. Swannell. Enjoy these Year One tutorials--I will post them three at a time to the blog. 

I am about to do these over again with Becky this summer and I am also teaching a paper sloyd class to kids at a local camp this fall. Beyond excited! 

 

Fingerless Gloves

I made these nice and cozy warm fingerless gloves with leftover wool in my stash. I love them, and was able to wear them to Reuben's second football game this Saturday! I wish I had worn more layers--it was so cold! But fun to see him play and grow. 

a hodgepodge of everything

Esther hasn't been sleeping well so that means I haven't been sleeping well. Mother of a toddler. I miss sleep. The years of sleep deprivation have been more than the blessed years of sleep since I started having kids. I've been counting. And crying.  It is pitiful. 

Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. I know sleep affects your hormones so much! I hope Esther starts sleeping through the night one day. Then I can sleep. Oh, sleep. How I miss thee. 

We are crazy. We started trying for another baby? I don't know, the time feels right. Besides not sleeping, my health is better and it's not like we have a lot of time for, uhm, marital relations, so I wonder what will happen. Brian works a lot, and the weekends are full of dishes and house chores and someone always seems to be sick. Not much time for personal husband and wife time. Though I try to make time for it. ITs one of a million things I stress over--I'm behind on this, and dishes. Oh, and laundry. What should take precedent today? 

Life is a lovely crazy and sometimes I try to fight it and sometimes I just embrace it. It's two sides of the same person, the calm mom and the one who doesn't know what's for dinner and hides in the closet to have a good cry. Which one are you today? I'm both.

We are trying to do less media this spring and summer. We do a lot of video games and movies here in the Markey household but I think it goes in cycles. And it is how I get a break. I am trying to send them outside and also to go outside myself, but the balance of nature verses my own personal mental health is on delicate scales and no one is perfect. That's what I tell myself when I feel guilty on our second hour of screen time. 

I am buying the kids supplies to make clay earrings for Esther. I am perhaps more excited about this than they are. But that is what they asked for. It is a favorite hobby of ours to do together once a week and I need to take pictures sometime! 

Becky wants to cut her hair. I am making her wait a week or two to make sure she really wants to. I'm not sure--she hates tangles and that is what is making her want to pull out the scissors, but she loves her long hair and has started wearing bows in her hair and it's just beautiful. 

I got down to 10 items for the spring wardrobe!!! I'm sooooo in love with the 10 item wardrobe. I think I will keep doing it forever. It's so easy and everything goes with everything. I feel like I have more clothes than I did before I decluttered three bags!!! I don't know how that is possible but it's been a dream. I saw a picture of my old closet I posted on here 10 years ago and I was shocked at how many clothes I had. It was pre kids I think and bursting to the seams. I was appalled. Poor me, LOL! I remember wondering how anyone could be a minimalist but the thing is I didn't have kids yet and 100 percent of my brain was free to think about my stuff and now I have less than 1 percent to devote to stuff and it has to go. Because  I don't have time for that and it doesn't spark any joy anymore.

It has been years since I updated the pictures on this blog and I have plans to do that...soon. Very soon. Yay to a new blog look! 

Gloves

I started on these when the weather got cold and I finished them right as it's warming up. That is the way of things, isn't it? They are cozy and warm and fun and I like them. Fun to knit and easy to work on while chatting with the kids. I made the first one a little big by accident (I was just making it up, no pattern) so I adjusted for the second one, but I love them both.

I might have some gloves done but now I need to go figure out what's for dinner. 

Loving It

I have been loving my 10 item wardrobe, ahem, I mean 13. It has been amazing. I feel great every morning and I get to wear my favorite pieces of clothing without digging and feeling overburdened or overwhelmed. Everything goes with everything. It's peace, and I like it. When I originally set it up I got rid of a huge bag of things I knew I would never wear again and today I got rid of three more small bags--two I donated and one I gave to a friend. Oh, and I started asking people to hang out again even if they are busy and I have a playdate with one good friend tomorrow and something already set up for next week! And I'm going to make a point to make it to co-op and Reuben starts football practice too... so many good things on the horizon. God is good and he is reminding me always that I am not alone, if I but turn my eyes to him. 

I really wanted to shop on thred up yesterday and I didn't. I remembered my promise to buy no clothes and went and looked at my closet and was content! I hope I can keep with my self-inflicted challenge!! For fun I pulled out all my summer pieces and put them in two empty dresser drawers so they are ready and able to be swapped out if it starts getting consistently over 80f. 

I want to make a point to make it to the park once to twice a week with the kids this summer. If I get pregnant again things might really slow down (we aren't trying) but hey it could happen and I want to soak up the time I have while I have it. The kids are at an age where they love the park and Reuben and Becky can play pretty much independently while I do the slide 30 times with Esther, hah. She's adorable. In a year or three Reuben will be 'too old' for the park even if we still go--I see some older kids there reading books next to their moms while littles play--but I want him to enjoy it while he can. 

Trying to have good boundaries with my phone lately. I still have parental controls on it and I have played around with turning the internet off at times but I always want to look something up or need to distract the baby with Bluey and its just nice to have on hand as long as I don't become a screen zombie or start using it to disassociate from my life...it's a tool, and I want to remember that. And use it as thus. 

It's raining now so I put a movie on for the kids while I wrote this post. It's a nice little break in the day before I go down and finish cleaning up the dining room, kitchen...and a load or two of laundry to switch out and put away, and some things to get ready for tomorrow. I want to make sourdough pretzel bites and I have those in my cooking-attempt list. I made an azure order and can't wait to pick it up next week. We are out of so many things that this time around was quite a big order!

Trying to build a life I love, even with the hurdles and obstacles that living throws at you. God is good and I"ll be okay, I trust him.

How are you all?

10 item Spring Wardrobe (while breastfeeding!)

If you know me at all, you know I struggle with overconsumption. I actually made a pledge on the first day of spring to buy zero clothes for the rest of the year and to use what I have. I have a closet bursting with clothing. It's overflowing and overwhelming and yet I still buy things and can't find anything to wear and am unhappy about my clothes and how they look on me. 

I realized that my problem of overconsumption is twofold. One, my love language is gifts. So when I am upset or having a hard time I buy myself a gift. Sometimes it is as small as a chocolate bar but sometimes it's a new or thrifted shirt. And in this economy with how bad the inflation is, that just isn't doable anymore. I know I have struggled with shopping addictions before too--shopping from boredom or from a place of depression, and I'd like to nip that in the bud as well. We don't have credit cards and I'm not in debt anymore, so I don't know if I can call it an addiction any longer, but I still struggle with shopping.

My other issue is a body one. My body is not the same as it was pre-Esther pregnancy, and that's okay. My body grew a whole baby! Amazing. And it looks like it grew a whole baby for the third time! And I'm thirty eight years old! This is expected and typical and I don't know why my brain expects me to be trim everywhere and perpetually thirty-two! 

I find when I don clothes they don't look on me like how I thought in my head they would look. There is a discrepancy and I must address it because I keep buying clothes hoping that "this time" it will turn out different. I unconsciously wasn't blaming my body and my body dysmorphia but instead the clothes. And that has to stop.

So this year I would like to learn to love my body. And that starts with the 10 item spring wardrobe challenge! I do love a wardrobe challenge and have done several in the past but nothing ever sticks. I am hoping that this one will. In this challenge you pick 10 core pieces and then you can add extras to flesh it out, like sweaters or other layering pieces. There is probably more to it--I didn't read the book I just watched a few YouTube videos about it. 

Here is what I picked for my spring 10 item capsule wardrobe, which I will use until summer when I'll refresh it with what I already own in my closet. I'm super excited about this and hope it works out!

I picked five dresses. Five may be a little excessive but I love dresses and I had so many this was as small I could get it without wishing to abandon the whole project. Here they are! I have two not perfect linen dresses, both thrifted from postmark. One other linen dress (the stripy short blue one) is a gift from a friend. The brown dress is also from postmark, it is a Daughters of India dress that I thrifted from there for around $60. I couldn't believe someone was selling it for that--until I got it and it was covered in stains and holes. I was so mad they didn't disclose these issues. I could have sent it back but instead I tried my best to get out the stains (some did some out) and I sewed up the holes and...that was kinda what made me start the 'no buying clothing' for a year trend. But here it is in my capsule. The multicolored dress is from an Etsy shop called off/on linen and I love it. 

I picked four bottoms, of one I am obviously wearing right now so it's not pictured. I have a green skirt and a brown one (I'm wearing the brown) and a black pair of pants and an orange pair of pants. 

I have five shirts, including the one I am wearing, which is handmade. Anyway, that makes 13 items, but who's counting? Okay, we are supposed to be counting. But this was as low as I could get it. Actually in the above closet picture I have one more shirt hanging up that I removed and put away! (The tan on with the ruffles, I'm going to save it for summer.) So maybe I will be able to remove 3 pieces to actually get down to 10, but this is pretty good for now. 

The black shirt in the photo is really worn out and needs to be replaced soon. I like to have a dark shirt because it goes with everything, and this is the only one I have. It's a cotton gauze shirt that my friend gave me. I'll try to keep wearing it since I am not supposed to be buying anything new or used this year--but maybe I can sub in my linen shirt that is dark that I use only for exercise right now? That might be an option when this one completely runs out. 

Here are my extras: I have three sweaters I will use as layering pieces. I can also wear these as shirts. These are my two handmade sweaters and one black wrap cardigan that I love because it goes with everything. I also have (not pictured) two cotton black leggings I wear under dresses when it is cold and one cotton black "shorts" I also wear under a dress if I feel I'll be running around and it might fly up. 

I'm not sure if PJs count as extras. I sleep in a nursing shirt and a pair of sleep pants and have just enough pairs to take me through the week. I wash laundry once a week and plan to keep on doing that even with a smaller wardrobe. 

I hope after doing this all spring I will find I can declutter most of my other spring clothes, keeping only a few to "switch out" when my regular 10 item wardrobe needs a piece replaced. 

What about you? Would you try a 10-item wardrobe and why or why not? And should I read the book?  I probably should read the book. I wonder if they have it on audible...

hat for Reuben

Do you ever start crocheting with no plan in mind? Just to do something with your hands from boredom or idleness or because? That is how this hat started out with stash yarn and a 4.5mm hook. I love it! Reuben also loved it and snapped it up as soon as I was done with it. 

I have a few things I need to finish up but sometimes the only thing you want to do is start on something new.

I think, what God is teaching me...

I think what God is teaching me in this season is to be content in all things, and to give joy in all things. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)

Well, I don't know that my life has faced much persecution but I have definitely faced many trials, from my own selfishness to my toxic and controlling mother in law... there have been many valleys in that department. I suppose I should thank her for the lessons in patience and forbearance she has taught me. Her name is Ruth, which I find ironic given the origins of that name in a biblical sense. I wish she was more like that Ruth. 

Anyway I was thinking of her the other day when someone at church mentioned they have dinner at that their in-laws twice a month. What a blessing that would be to me if I had that kind of relationship with my mother in law. What a nice break it would be, what companionship! But we don't, and I think we never will. Instead I got a nagging, lying manipulator for a mother in law who seems to resent the very fact that I have married her son and taken him away from her. Every encounter with her is a battle--she makes it that way no matter what I do. After what I have experienced with her, I know now all the things not to do when my son and daughters begin dating. There is a reason Brian has never had a good relationship with her. There is a reason he never tells her anything and hid his entire life from her as a teen and young adult. At least I have established excellent boundaries with her. We don't allow her over and we don't visit. We see her at church, and that's it, and it's only because she attends there. I won't allow her to come between my children and me or my marriage.

Reuben is starting flag football this weekend. I hope I did not make a mistake signing up for this. There will be 1-2 practices a week in the evening and one game every Saturday. It is quite the commitment for this homeschooling mom of two with a baby in tow, especially someone with a chronic illness who dislikes leaving the house after 5pm. I am hopeful that Brian can take him to some of the practices. I am hopeful he will make friends. I am hopeful I won't get burnt out. We are in the last six weeks of school here--and flag football lasts eight weeks so, the discontinuation of school will make football much easier. I still need to go get him cleats. And a mouth guard. Or two mouth guards. They are required to play and I want to have a back up for sure. 

God is teaching me patience in other ways too. He is teaching me to wait for healing for Reuben. He's come so far but he has so far to go. He can halfway breathe out of his nose now. He's doing osteopathic neuromuscular manipulation with Alison at CHS in town and it's helping so much! And he is getting an arch expander in 4 weeks. So much happening this year--so much potential for healing. And I'm praying for his healing so he can be a strong man one day and a healthy one too. I am trusting in the Lord, where my trust should be! 

 Taking time to write is cathartic. Perhaps words are all the friends I need at this time.

the head canon on my current friendships you didn't know you needed

I have been in a lonely spot with motherhood. I'm not sure if it's my 40s, or if its just the current culture, the age of my kids, the homeschooling (two now) or...what it is. But slowly over the last two years I have felt a distance where I have never felt one before. I have been introspective and asked hard questions. Is it me? Have I forgotten how to be a good friend? Am I failing at boundaries? Am I missing something? I don't get it. I think it is just the changing dreams of people, and perhaps my chronic illness and the demands of homeschooling. 

Two years ago I had a wide diverse friend group. I feel lately that I really have no friends. No one wants to hang out. Some of them have really good excuses, like my friend Mandy who lost her husband. It's been almost two years now and it's still an adjustment for her. I have been trying to watch her kids for her every week so she can get a break and because I love her. But she doesn't want to or have time to hang out the way we used to. And that's okay. 

My friend Kim has been distant too. Kim lives near me and recently had a foster set of three! She also has one foster kid who is all grown up who takes a lot of her time. But she used to make time for me. I always try to make time for her, text her, ask to hang out, invite her places. And she has been going through a lot. She lost a good friend two years ago who also did foster care in a freak accident--this friend had four kids with him at the time and they all died. It was terrible and everyone cried for weeks, even though I never knew him (he drove across a river and the car was swept away.) My friend Mandy's husband--Andrew, the one who passed away--taught one of the boys who died in this tragic accident. I think Kim is grieving a lot of things, her foster kids who were reunited with their parents (which is great they are back with family) but also trauma, and her friend who died and probably so much more life stuff that I don't even know about.

I have other friends. Julia and Amy were really close but both of them started attending this church in Amherst. It sounds like a great church and a wonderful fit for them, but it's about 45 minutes away, and they do stuff 3-4 times a week with their church now and don't have time for extra things. They both have four kids and both home school, and both do a home school co-op together on Mondays. I finally stopped asking them to hang out because between co-op and church they just can't. Perhaps I should keep trying. But Julia didn't even RSVP for Becky's birthday party, she just said she was busy and couldn't come and she had thought she had replied. I assumed she was coming because she didn't say anything, but I guess people get busy and forget to text? I feel like friends would make time for each other. I am trying. But perhaps it is a hard season for them and they can't. Or they've moved on. Wish friendship 'closure' was a thing! Feels like a loose end that needs tying up.

I guess I get it, everyone is forging their own paths. But I am an extrovert and I miss my friends! Melissa, who used to be my best friend, is homesteading and homeschooling and she barely replies to my text messages. I do see her infrequently at some events we both attend--I go to her co-op that she runs with her sister in law when I can make it, and both our girls are in the same piano so paths cross. But I feel like I bother her when I text, or ask to hang out. I stopped asking years ago. She is too busy. And she has family and other friends I think she prioritizes, and that's okay. She's amazing, and the first friend I ever had that deeply encouraged me in my faith walk. I know I idolize her a little much but everyone needs one friend that personifies the proverbs 31 woman, right? Melissa is that person to me, and I love her, and I definitely don't want to be a burden to her by any means! That's not friendship. I think with Melissa---I think I was her friend, but she wasn't my friend. I think I was a project to her a little bit--and I definitely needed to be because I had major issues when we met--me a new Christian and her a fount of wisdom with her 20 years of honoring Christ under her belt, even if we are the same age! And while that is sad to realize, its okay. I told Melissa a lot about myself, and asked for a lot of help and advice, but I wasn't able to give her much in return. Maybe one day I'll be wise enough to have something to offer. 

I have a few extremely introverted friends who only want to hang out on a very limited basis, like my friend Emily who also attends my church, and of these friends I try to be respectful. I know I'm overwhelming. Emily is such a sweet introverted friend who I have gotten to know slowly over the years and continue to hang out with maybe once a month. 

I think making friends in your 40s is just hard. Everyone has their own lives. I have tried to make new friends but no one seems interested. I'm either too old (lots of people in their 20s have kids my kids age) or in a totally different season of life--some of the people I know in their 40s are grandparents! I am fine being friends with any woman no matter her age, and I know it takes a long time to develop a deep and lasting friendship. But it seemed easier when I was young, single and time seemed endless between work hours. And it seemed easy too when I had toddlers. Now my time is limited because of homeschooling and I am frequently sick with my chronic illness or one of my kids is sick, and things just are not the same.

So here I am complaining on the internet. I would like to think of it more as working though things myself, but who knows. Am I friends with any of the above people? I thought of what would happen if I just stopped texting them. Would they even notice? Are these friendships only one sided? Am I a horrible friend? 

(I guess I should say I was used to having 2-3 play dates with friends a week. We now have 0 weekly usually. It's been about one a month. This has also been an adjustment for my kids as well!) 

I don't know. Is it just a seasonal thing, and I'll make new friends? I have another friend named Kim who lives an hour away. She is a natural doctor and has 10 kids, many of them grown. She is homeschooling the remaining few, homesteading with her husband doing raw milk, and she has large amounts of clients. But she still texts me sometimes and she came to my birthday party, and that was great. She might be more like a mentor to me than a friend. 

Do I need friends? I feel like I do. I miss them and often feel like I'm spinning in circles wishing to be with someone or make plans with someone and there isn't anyone. 

Does anyone else feel like this? Where do 40 year olds make friends, anyway. The parks are full of toddler moms when we go who look like 20 somethings. They don't want to talk to me. I don't go to bars and the library is too quiet. Where do I find my tribe? And how did I lose it? 

God is good and he will be enough for me in this season. I will cling to him, and deepen my relationship with him while I try to search out good edifying friendships for myself and for my children. All hope is not lost! Maybe I will find the fatal flaw in myself and everything will be okay. Or maybe life will settle down in a few years and people will have more time for friendships and fellowship. For now I will keep on keeping on being lonely and hopeful. And weird. 

Wave Shawl

I finished another shawl. I knit all through fall and winter and as spring slowly warms up here my knitting bug is wearing off. I still have many unfinished projects to work on but no motivation. 

This shawl was inspired by Becky. She was telling me how I didn't have any blue shawls to wear with blue things in fall/winter, and thus I gathered up all my blue yarn and started on this. Or maybe she said she wanted a blue shawl? Probably both.

I made this with knitpicks stash yarn and used two worsted weights held together and a large numbered knitting needle. I forget the size. And lots of knitting and purling, obviously. I made up the simple pattern as I went along, trying to mimic waves coming in the shore.

We both love it and we both hope to wear it lots this coming winter.

My husband's been putting the Baby to Bed

The first week I just lay around and read books, looked at my phone, did chores I never get to (because toddler) and ate snacks. The second week I started crafting. I feel like myself again, for at least for two hours every evening! Yes, it usually takes an hour to get her to bed, then my husband will join me and chat or he will relax however he wants to. And he puts her to bed with no crying! We've transitioned her to sleep in a toddler bed right next to our bed--but she doesn't stay in it of course. She wakes up around 11 and climbs in bed with me but that's okay--its bliss to go to sleep by myself!

For bedtime, my husband reads books to her, pats her back, turns out the lights...sometimes he will look at videos on his phone with her. It's so great and I am so grateful. We didn't get Reuben out of our bed until he was over 3, and Becky was in bed with us too until 3-- and since she was born when Reuben was 2.5 (yeah we were bed sharing with two kids for awhile) that's SIX YEARS of co-sleeping. I am thunderstruck. I never counted it up like that. Plus Esther. I've been married 13 years and co-sleeping with kids for almost 8 of them. 

I did bedtime with Esther for the last 22 months (nursing to sleep, and we contact sleep so...holding her until I go to bed...) and this breather has been amazing. 

God is good and he's always giving me gifts. 

Esther turns two this may. What another milestone. She's growing up. 

It is weird to be almost 40 and go to the park with my kids and meet a 22 year old mom with a baby the same age as mine. Actually, if their mom had them at 20, I could be only a few years younger than their own mother! How mind boggling! But what a blessing to have a baby in my "old age." Hah! 

Getting a break and having peace in my home is so nice. 

How are you all? Oh, I also packed away my computer so I don't have access to pictures for these blog posts. Maybe I'll go back and add them later when I take it out again... 

Late Night Thoughts about Ruby Frank

Eight PM is late, isn't it? For this mom of three with one who still wakes 2-3 times a night, 8 is late. It's almost bedtime!

I was thinking recently about the Ruby Frank case--if you don't know about it, she was a full time family vlogger who was abusing her kids behind the scenes and now is in jail--and all the questions that have come from that. Many people are saying there can be no good in family vlogging and even one of Ruby's own daughters came out and said vlogging is abusive and wrong. I can't remember the exact quote I am sure you can Google it. 

So, as someone who used to vlog her kids--from birth to age 5 with Reuben, so Becky was 3--can there be good in family vlogging? Well, Ruby's daughter has only seen the toxic side of it with her mother, of course she is hesitant! But yes, there are good family vloggers. At least I think so! The biggest example of that is Chole and Beans who runs the channel Life With Beans. Her and her husband are full time vloggers (and now they run a online toy/kids clothing store as well) and their vlogs are wholesome, okay for kids to watch, and drama free. You will have to watch them to form your own opinion, but I find them a prime example of good parenting and ethical vlogging. 

Was I a good vlogger? I was kinda unhinged. I vlogged for myself because I loved making videos and was suddenly, with the birth of my first child, unable to make knitting and crochet videos (what I was doing before) and thought that vlogging would be a good creative outlet for me that I could accomplish with the added responsibilities of a growing family. And it was fun. Even if I wasn't good at it, it was still fun and my kids and I love to watch back many of those videos to this day! 

What would I change, if anything? I perhaps was too personal with my own life in it--but I am an extrovert that does not have many boundaries and I don't mind sharing. My kids were babies and toddlers. Why did I quit? It was two-fold. When Reuben got older, things just got awkward. Filming my life with littles was soul stretching for me and felt wholesome, but with older kids, who were getting shy--it felt invasive. Honestly, Reuben was starting to not like it, and his needs were changing and I needed to change to meet his needs. So I stopped. It simply wasn't the season for it, and now with homeschooling, a burgeoning chronic illness and adding a third (amazing) daughter to our family, I don't have the time to figure out if it's a feasible thing, much less think about the morality! 

What do you think? We as parents make so many choices for our kids--since they cannot make them on their own. They can't choose between homeschooling or public school, they can't choose what kind of car you drive or what type of diet you feed them, or even the color of the carpet. We moms and dads are tasked with the responsibility of caring and maintaining the atmosphere and emotional well-being of our kids. Thus, obviously, the choices we make will look different for each family, but that's the beauty of caring for our kids. They are ours and they need different things. So while vlogging may work for some, it might not for others--and that's okay. As long as we are keeping our kids safe and loving, honoring and respecting them as persons, I think a few videos can be a fun addition to the family memory vault.  

All the Little Things Went Wrong but we Survived

I woke up with a toothache. And had no energy until after lunch. Also headache, all day. I don't know, it was just one of those days where everything is a little bit irritating. For no reason. Why? I don't know, I exist, therefore irritation. Yay.

We all still have lingering sinus infections from our most recent cold. Yes, we had another cold after the flu I wrote about last week! I can't believe it. Maybe we need to check our house for mold.

I wore my favorite skirt today and also did my hair, which I never do. I need to do my hair more. It was fun. And didn't take as long as I thought it would. Anyway, I dripped my skirt into the toilet at one time and had to change, which was also irritating. And gross. 

We did only Becky's school today because Reuben spent the whole day putting his amazon order together (it's a dresser) and that was school enough for him. He only cried once (a miscommunication with me) and I am amazed that my nine year old can put together an entire dresser with poor instructions from Amazon and only a tiny bit of help from his seven year old sister... wow. I could not have done that at nine. He's amazing.  

But, because of this project, I'm behind on Reuben's school, so if we can't finish tomorrow I will have... mom guilt. He will be fine, I will just feel irritated that I didn't finish what I was supposed to and planned to finish. Mom life. Life in general, where expectations do not meet reality. 

Anyway I settled down with the baby for a nap after lunch and while she slept I finished reading a book and admired at the snow. It's so pretty and fluffy this time and the kids had a great time playing in it this morning. Last time it was icy and annoying but this time...fluff heaven! I made hot chocolate afterwards and we all enjoyed that, except for my toothache which probably was made worse from the coconut sugar. 

I know these are the moments I will cherish. I would just cherish them a little bit more if I slept better (or rather, Esther slept better and woke up less!) and my head didn't hurt so much and I wasn't so tired! But this is the life and the baby (and body) I was given so, here I am. I will try to be content. 

I made apple crisp for dinner because the apples were going bad but instead I had leftover soup, because diabetes and toothaches. I actually like the soup and feel great about that! I wore my favorite shirt today too, the new one that I got for valentines day. You can see a little bit of it in the first picture. It's divine and covered with florals. 

Tomorrow I need to make the kombucha, do a lot of school, clean my house and the bathroom and knit? If I have any time for knitting? Oh, and work on this toothache because I don't want it to turn into an emergency. 

How are you all? 

Esther sure is cute and she's growing up fast. 

Life Update

We all got the flu. It was terrible. I guess it may have been covid but whatever it was, I was delirious for 24 hours and so was Brian. I don't know how we survived. It was the freezer meals, and garlic enemas. And the fact that the kids didn't get to the awful stage until 2 days later when I was sort of functional again. We were all sick for an entire week. Then coughing and no energy for a week. We missed two Sundays and Esther and I still have a bit of post nasal drip. I hit the lowest low of "everything is a complete mess and I have no energy" that I have ever hit. We ate all the freezer meals. At one point I was like, well, toast for dinner? And toast was had. 

Esther had a temp of 104 during the flu...

Anyway, my house was a wreck and I was a wreck and everyone still needed to be fed. I wasn't parenting from a calm place, let me tell you. I don't yell at my kids but...wow, that was crazy stressful. Our media consumption in the way of video games and movies was at max capacity. I am a clean freak. I am organized. I do not let my house get messy. Here are some pictures of the downstairs of my house during the flu apocalypse. 

I just now feel like we are gaining ground again and there is a blizzard of up to seven inches of snow expected tomorrow! My house is clean again. I mean, as clean as having three kids and homeschooling can make it, but it looks presentable. And not like the above pictures. I am too hard on myself LOL. I put the TV in the closet so we can have a media purge and I'm loving it. (We still play video games come on I'm not crazy.)

We are all finally well. I am praying we stay well and also I am thanking God we all made it through. God is teaching me to rely on him and to make him my joy--that is what I learned during those dreadful two weeks. 

Also, in an unrelated note, I can't find pants that fit. I bought a pair of 12s and couldn't even get them on. So I was like, maybe I am a 14? Last time I wore pants I was a 10, so...anyway, I bought a pair of 14 and a pair of 16 pants. The 16s are huge. I can wear them with a belt. I can't even get the 14s on. What size am I? I have no idea. This is why I don't wear pants. Stretchy waistband for the win. I usually wear an XL in leggings now so I think that is a 14? Your guess is my guess. I also need to buy underwear and socks because mine are literally falling apart. Hah! Too much life update?

Oh, and I forgot to post about Becky's birthday (or did I? the post virus brain fog is real) but she got her ears pierced and she's over the moon in love. Though she hates sleeping in them. 

Today, Reuben was put in charge of dressing Esther because I was in the middle of cooking when she wanted out of the bath. Isn't she cute? Reuben also made these cookies in school today. A nine year old boy is very resourceful.

Anyway, I bought myself a daughters of India dress for my birthday and I love it. I got it secondhand from poshmark and spring better come soon because I am never taking it off. I've wanted one forever (google it, you'll understand) and I found the exact one I wanted, new with tags, but 60$ less secondhand. I'm looking at it now and gushing to myself. 

What are you guys up too? Happy February. Is it spring yet? 

Small Shawl - Green Peas

I finished this shawl in 2024, but here we are. I am calling it green peas and I love it! This color of green and yellow goes with everything and it's cozy and warm. I even threw it on Esther at church once and it was super cute. I made the pattern up so I could work on it while nursing and in between all the motherhood and housework. 

It's made of wool and alpaca, and the alpaca makes it really soft for your neck.

It came out great and I am very happy with it! I need to wear it more. Accessories are hard when you are a mom of a toddler. 

Christmas Shawl

I wanted a shawl to wear at Christmas, and I wanted it to be BIG. Well, I got a good medium size before I gave up--it was a week before the holidays and I was tired of knitting on it. I was also running out of yarn. I decided to massively block it which helped make it a little bigger. 

I made this pattern up myself. I did purl color work rows for the first time! That was crazy, but by the end of it I got quite good. 

I don't like these pictures...it is so hard to get good pictures as a busy mom. Well, my son, who is 9 took the one below but the thing I don't like about it is the messy floor in the house (and my wrinkled dress) LOL! Not his fault--he's a great photographer, I'm a hot mess, and this is just my life. I love my life, but it does come with wrinkles of all kinds and messes, too.

What should I make next? A sibling. A little sibling for Esther? I don't know if that is a good idea, but we are trying. Here is to baby number four at the end of 2025, lord willing! I think it will take until 2026, and I'll be having a baby in my 40s. Which is kinda crazy in an of itself. 

I need to do more hot yoga. 

Becky Cardigan

Finally getting around to taking some pictures of Becky, age 6, wearing the cardigan I crochet her! Isn't it cute? This is the Granny Hexagon Cardigan by Amytdesigns. I love it, very much, even if it was a LOT of repetition. It's done, she loves it, and I think it will fit her at 7 too!

Wearing

Just a bunch of pictures of Esther wearing things I made her. I can't keep up with Reuben (9) hardly at all anymore when we are outdoors, and with chasing the toddler I forget to take pictures of the older two often! Life.