Last week we were at the beach and it was beautiful. Becky hasn't been to the Beach since she was one. And Reuben was 3. I have been chronically ill, pregnant, and/or chronically ill and pregnant so traveling was on the low end of the list. If I even had a list. But it's been so long that this is my life--and I need to learn to live with it, and both my husband and kids and I wanted to try again.
Except I told my husband, no camping. I'm so over camping and sleeping in a tent and having to walk to the bathrooms and I need a stove because of said chronic illness. He talked to a friend at church who goes frequently to Carolina Beach and so he decided we should go there! Great, that's awesome, we booked our trip a few months ago. He told me he booked a cabin and it should all be fine. I didn't ask many questions about it...which was a mistake. A definite mistake.
About three weeks before the trip I was rear ended...now we had no van to drive to vacation. I didn't think much of it, we have a Lincon Town car that was broken but my husband was adamant we could fix it. He worked on that car every weekend non stop and even after work and then a week before the trip we got it inspected.
It failed.
My husband spending every spare moment of his time working on our vehicle wore both of us out emotionally and physically. And now all the work was...for nothing! Our car failed inspection. We couldn't drive it.
I thought of the past two weeks as he was working on the car... and I was stuck with the kids. Through all the weekends when I usually can have a break. It was really hard. I begged him to get someone else to fix it. He seemed not to understand, here he was doing everything he could to get this car fixed for our vacation but I was crying from exhaustion and starting to resent him.
Having a chronic illness is not pretty. I really do need and count on breaks. I wish I was supermom, I wish it wasn't true, but wishes won't part the fog in my brain and give energy to my broken body.
Now, when I thought everything was finished and the car just needed to be inspected here we were with a whole other list of things to fix and one week until vacation. I was starting to panic a little.
It needed one new tire, something called "tie irons" and two breaks replaced. I was thinking we would have to rent a car (husband said absolutely not something else I couldn't understand, didn't he want to go on vacation? How did he think we would get there?) That week, he worked on the car every night after work and a day before we were to leave for vacation we brought it back in to be inspected and it passed! Thank goodness. And God. Actually just thank God.
As a family of 5, fitting in a Lincoln town car is tight. Especially with Esther's car seat. Anyway, I wanted to say...this is how our vacation started. With one mom, a physically and mentally exhausted mess of a mom, who had not had time to clean and order her house before packing or plan any extra meals because I had lost my support, my husband--who was out working on the car so we could go on vacation. I know, the irony. Let's all laugh together. And one exhausted husband who had also had no downtime due to work in the office and work underneath and above the car. Poor husband.
Oh, and it gets worse.
Okay, so vacation. Yay! How do I throw out all the anger I have accumulated over the last three weeks? I'm wresting with it and dealing with it and here we are and we must be a happy family, because beach and vacation and kids.
We've missed like three weeks of church so we decide to leave after Sunday school so we can at least have some normalcy back in our weekend. The car is packed. I'm sure I've forgotten 12 things, but I have all three of my kids, so that's good.
It is at this point that I have come to the realization that I don't think my husband understands me. When he had first asked me about the vacation I had told him I had a four hour driving limit for our first vacation. That was what I was comfortable with. The day of he finally looks up the directions and says it's 4 hours and 50 minutes away. This made me really upset because I told him 4 hours was my time cap. Meaning, I didn't want to do anything that was more than 4 hours away. But, whatever. He was estimating. He doesn't understand chronic illness and the amazing thing I am asking my body to do--go away from my comfortable home and live somewhere else without many of the supplements that keep me alive. I took what I could, but how was I to know what I might need?
Husband does not understand why I am upset. Which makes me more upset. We've been married for 13 years and does he not pay attention?
Anyway, it's too late now. 5-6 hours it is, because with three kids we will need to stop at least twice.
Driving there is okay. We stop for fast food for lunch which I can't eat, but that's okay, I packed snacks. Not a big deal. We pass two wrecks on the way (everyone was fine) but that was scary. I prayed a lot we would make it safely. Esther sleeps for about an hour, and screams for another hour. I finally played a movie on my phone for her, which I never have done in the car before.
We get there only to find we are camping in a cabin (not a tent, remarks the husband, you said no tents!) and the bathroom is about a 5 minute walk and there is no kitchen and I hate it. Husband does not understand why I hate it. I thought I told you no camping? But this is not camping! This is a cabin! I drop it because...I can't change it and the kids and vacation and family time, right? I'll just simmer in anger against him, because of course that is what I know how to do.
The beds are like rocks, there is a concrete floor and two bunkbeds that Esther keeps trying to climb, my anxiety it through the roof trying to keep her off it, and...did I mention I hate it? I did say no tents. But what I meant was no camping! This is camping! I don't want to camp. I need a toilet that is just ours! I don't want to share!
I don't know about you, but when I go on vacation I don't want to make my life harder. I want to make things easier so I can enjoy myself, have less stress and be free from life. I don't want to walk 5 minutes to a public bathroom with my kids 3 times an hour. I don't know how he didn't understand me. Okay, yes I do. He heard, no tent. And clearly this was not a tent. It has air conditioning. Paradise on earth? And my husband usually tries to pinch pennies, which is fine, but on vacation I'm totally of the mind to spend a little more for comfort. And I was 100% not comfortable.
I think my husband's idea of vacation is not the same as my idea of vacation, but I digress.
We find out you can't walk to the beach. It was about a 8-10 minute drive to the beach. Which is fine, but we had to pay $25 to park each time we went. So we spent $75 on parking and I don't think my husband thought of that. A beachside hotel has parking (generally they do charge a little for it sometimes but I'm sure not near $75...and that included a bit of a walk to the actual beach.) We have a toddler...a beach bag, two kids, and...it was not fun hauling everything to and fro. My car is still full of sand! But, here we are. The beach. And it is beautiful.
The next day I had chronic pain all day. I have not had chronic pain in a long time, and did I bring any of my chronic pain stuff? I did not. I texted my friend Emily to pray and the next day...it was so much better. Which never happens (usually it takes 1-2 weeks, and I alternate heat and ice on my neck/back) so it was amazing that it was subdued pain for the second day. God is good, and he blessed me with an answer to these prayers...I am so grateful for his mercy.
My kids have already eaten ice cream and donuts and who knows what else but they are thriving. It was nice to see them happy and having fun. That was the best thing about our vacation.
We found somewhere I could eat which was wonderful. I got a deconstructed sandwich and sweet potato fries! Here are my windswept children and Reuben wearing my coat because he was cold. Everyone enjoyed that meal. Carolina Beach has a little boardwalk that is cute and quaint and full of small businesses. I loved it. Next time, if we go back, we will stay at a hotel on the beach and I think I will be happy.
We also went to the Aquarium there which was really cute.
The next day was our drive home day, and I will spare you most of the details but I had the worst case of vertigo I have ever had in my living memory. After about half an hour of not being able to even stand up, I told my husband we had to go to the ER. Something was wrong. I am not okay.
Anyway, we ended up sitting in a Chick-fil-a parking lot for an hour while I slowly got better. I had mild vertigo for the following four days. I don't know what it was--my husband thinks maybe dehydration mixed with low blood pressure--and I hope I never get it again. It was not fun. I really thought I was dying. I couldn't even open my eyes, everything was spinning.
Someone at church told me it could be related to my ears and gave me some exercises to do. Maybe they will help? I'll try anything, honestly at this point.
But on the way home, all I wanted was coffee. Guys, we could not find any coffee. We tried one place, but it was a restaurant, not a coffee shop. It had coffee in the name. But was a sit down place, you couldn't order a cup. We drove another hour, tried another place but it was a coffee roastery! As in, they roasted coffee and did not serve it. By that point everyone had to use the bathroom so we started looking for that and abandoned the coffee idea. We needed up at a public library to use the bathroom after trying 3 more places to find a bathroom but they did not have any bathrooms for customers, only an employee bathroom. It was crazy. We had to park in a parking garage to get to the public library and...I was so happy to get home. That took and extra hour. All in all, it took 7 hours to get home...
...to mountains of laundry and wired kids and a husband who went straight back to work the next day.
Next time, I am going to plan the vacation, and it will include a hotel with a kitchen and a bathroom, for sure.
I didn't even get a single picture of me on vacation with the kids, which makes me sad. I was so sick the entire time I was just trying to hang on and have a good time for them...I wish I had a beach picture with me in it for our yearbook.
The kids pictures turned out beautiful. They make me so happy and that, and God's goodness, is what keeps me going.
