I started on these when the weather got cold and I finished them right as it's warming up. That is the way of things, isn't it? They are cozy and warm and fun and I like them. Fun to knit and easy to work on while chatting with the kids. I made the first one a little big by accident (I was just making it up, no pattern) so I adjusted for the second one, but I love them both.
I might have some gloves done but now I need to go figure out what's for dinner.
I have been loving my 10 item wardrobe, ahem, I mean 13. It has been amazing. I feel great every morning and I get to wear my favorite pieces of clothing without digging and feeling overburdened or overwhelmed. Everything goes with everything. It's peace, and I like it. When I originally set it up I got rid of a huge bag of things I knew I would never wear again and today I got rid of three more small bags--two I donated and one I gave to a friend. Oh, and I started asking people to hang out again even if they are busy and I have a playdate with one good friend tomorrow and something already set up for next week! And I'm going to make a point to make it to co-op and Reuben starts football practice too... so many good things on the horizon. God is good and he is reminding me always that I am not alone, if I but turn my eyes to him.
I really wanted to shop on thred up yesterday and I didn't. I remembered my promise to buy no clothes and went and looked at my closet and was content! I hope I can keep with my self-inflicted challenge!! For fun I pulled out all my summer pieces and put them in two empty dresser drawers so they are ready and able to be swapped out if it starts getting consistently over 80f.
If you know me at all, you know I struggle with overconsumption. I actually made a pledge on the first day of spring to buy zero clothes for the rest of the year and to use what I have. I have a closet bursting with clothing. It's overflowing and overwhelming and yet I still buy things and can't find anything to wear and am unhappy about my clothes and how they look on me.
I realized that my problem of overconsumption is twofold. One, my love language is gifts. So when I am upset or having a hard time I buy myself a gift. Sometimes it is as small as a chocolate bar but sometimes it's a new or thrifted shirt. And in this economy with how bad the inflation is, that just isn't doable anymore. I know I have struggled with shopping addictions before too--shopping from boredom or from a place of depression, and I'd like to nip that in the bud as well. We don't have credit cards and I'm not in debt anymore, so I don't know if I can call it an addiction any longer, but I still struggle with shopping.
My other issue is a body one. My body is not the same as it was pre-Esther pregnancy, and that's okay. My body grew a whole baby! Amazing. And it looks like it grew a whole baby for the third time! And I'm thirty eight years old! This is expected and typical and I don't know why my brain expects me to be trim everywhere and perpetually thirty-two!
I find when I don clothes they don't look on me like how I thought in my head they would look. There is a discrepancy and I must address it because I keep buying clothes hoping that "this time" it will turn out different. I unconsciously wasn't blaming my body and my body dysmorphia but instead the clothes. And that has to stop.
So this year I would like to learn to love my body. And that starts with the 10 item spring wardrobe challenge! I do love a wardrobe challenge and have done several in the past but nothing ever sticks. I am hoping that this one will. In this challenge you pick 10 core pieces and then you can add extras to flesh it out, like sweaters or other layering pieces. There is probably more to it--I didn't read the book I just watched a few YouTube videos about it.
Here is what I picked for my spring 10 item capsule wardrobe, which I will use until summer when I'll refresh it with what I already own in my closet. I'm super excited about this and hope it works out!
I picked five dresses. Five may be a little excessive but I love dresses and I had so many this was as small I could get it without wishing to abandon the whole project. Here they are! I have two not perfect linen dresses, both thrifted from postmark. One other linen dress (the stripy short blue one) is a gift from a friend. The brown dress is also from postmark, it is a Daughters of India dress that I thrifted from there for around $60. I couldn't believe someone was selling it for that--until I got it and it was covered in stains and holes. I was so mad they didn't disclose these issues. I could have sent it back but instead I tried my best to get out the stains (some did some out) and I sewed up the holes and...that was kinda what made me start the 'no buying clothing' for a year trend. But here it is in my capsule. The multicolored dress is from an Etsy shop called off/on linen and I love it.
I picked four bottoms, of one I am obviously wearing right now so it's not pictured. I have a green skirt and a brown one (I'm wearing the brown) and a black pair of pants and an orange pair of pants.
I have five shirts, including the one I am wearing, which is handmade. Anyway, that makes 13 items, but who's counting? Okay, we are supposed to be counting. But this was as low as I could get it. Actually in the above closet picture I have one more shirt hanging up that I removed and put away! (The tan on with the ruffles, I'm going to save it for summer.) So maybe I will be able to remove 3 pieces to actually get down to 10, but this is pretty good for now.
The black shirt in the photo is really worn out and needs to be replaced soon. I like to have a dark shirt because it goes with everything, and this is the only one I have. It's a cotton gauze shirt that my friend gave me. I'll try to keep wearing it since I am not supposed to be buying anything new or used this year--but maybe I can sub in my linen shirt that is dark that I use only for exercise right now? That might be an option when this one completely runs out.
Here are my extras: I have three sweaters I will use as layering pieces. I can also wear these as shirts. These are my two handmade sweaters and one black wrap cardigan that I love because it goes with everything. I also have (not pictured) two cotton black leggings I wear under dresses when it is cold and one cotton black "shorts" I also wear under a dress if I feel I'll be running around and it might fly up.
I'm not sure if PJs count as extras. I sleep in a nursing shirt and a pair of sleep pants and have just enough pairs to take me through the week. I wash laundry once a week and plan to keep on doing that even with a smaller wardrobe.
I hope after doing this all spring I will find I can declutter most of my other spring clothes, keeping only a few to "switch out" when my regular 10 item wardrobe needs a piece replaced.
What about you? Would you try a 10-item wardrobe and why or why not? And should I read the book? I probably should read the book. I wonder if they have it on audible...
Do you ever start crocheting with no plan in mind? Just to do something with your hands from boredom or idleness or because? That is how this hat started out with stash yarn and a 4.5mm hook. I love it! Reuben also loved it and snapped it up as soon as I was done with it.
I think what God is teaching me in this season is to be content in all things, and to give joy in all things.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1)
Well, I don't know that my life has faced much persecution but I have definitely faced many trials, from my own selfishness to my toxic and controlling mother in law... there have been many valleys in that department. I suppose I should thank her for the lessons in patience and forbearance she has taught me. Her name is Ruth, which I find ironic given the origins of that name in a biblical sense. I wish she was more like that Ruth.
Anyway I was thinking of her the other day when someone at church mentioned they have dinner at that their in-laws twice a month. What a blessing that would be to me if I had that kind of relationship with my mother in law. What a nice break it would be, what companionship! But we don't, and I think we never will. Instead I got a nagging, lying manipulator for a mother in law who seems to resent the very fact that I have married her son and taken him away from her. Every encounter with her is a battle--she makes it that way no matter what I do. After what I have experienced with her, I know now all the things not to do when my son and daughters begin dating. There is a reason Brian has never had a good relationship with her. There is a reason he never tells her anything and hid his entire life from her as a teen and young adult. At least I have established excellent boundaries with her. We don't allow her over and we don't visit. We see her at church, and that's it, and it's only because she attends there. I won't allow her to come between my children and me or my marriage.
Reuben is starting flag football this weekend. I hope I did not make a mistake signing up for this. There will be 1-2 practices a week in the evening and one game every Saturday. It is quite the commitment for this homeschooling mom of two with a baby in tow, especially someone with a chronic illness who dislikes leaving the house after 5pm. I am hopeful that Brian can take him to some of the practices. I am hopeful he will make friends. I am hopeful I won't get burnt out. We are in the last six weeks of school here--and flag football lasts eight weeks so, the discontinuation of school will make football much easier. I still need to go get him cleats. And a mouth guard. Or two mouth guards. They are required to play and I want to have a back up for sure.
God is teaching me patience in other ways too. He is teaching me to wait for healing for Reuben. He's come so far but he has so far to go. He can halfway breathe out of his nose now. He's doing osteopathic neuromuscular manipulation with Alison at CHS in town and it's helping so much! And he is getting an arch expander in 4 weeks. So much happening this year--so much potential for healing. And I'm praying for his healing so he can be a strong man one day and a healthy one too. I am trusting in the Lord, where my trust should be!
Taking time to write is cathartic. Perhaps words are all the friends I need at this time.
I have been in a lonely spot with motherhood. I'm not sure if it's my 40s, or if its just the current culture, the age of my kids, the homeschooling (two now) or...what it is. But slowly over the last two years I have felt a distance where I have never felt one before. I have been introspective and asked hard questions. Is it me? Have I forgotten how to be a good friend? Am I failing at boundaries? Am I missing something? I don't get it. I think it is just the changing dreams of people, and perhaps my chronic illness and the demands of homeschooling.
Two years ago I had a wide diverse friend group. I feel lately that I really have no friends. No one wants to hang out. Some of them have really good excuses, like my friend Mandy who lost her husband. It's been almost two years now and it's still an adjustment for her. I have been trying to watch her kids for her every week so she can get a break and because I love her. But she doesn't want to or have time to hang out the way we used to. And that's okay.
My friend Kim has been distant too. Kim lives near me and recently had a foster set of three! She also has one foster kid who is all grown up who takes a lot of her time. But she used to make time for me. I always try to make time for her, text her, ask to hang out, invite her places. And she has been going through a lot. She lost a good friend two years ago who also did foster care in a freak accident--this friend had four kids with him at the time and they all died. It was terrible and everyone cried for weeks, even though I never knew him (he drove across a river and the car was swept away.) My friend Mandy's husband--Andrew, the one who passed away--taught one of the boys who died in this tragic accident. I think Kim is grieving a lot of things, her foster kids who were reunited with their parents (which is great they are back with family) but also trauma, and her friend who died and probably so much more life stuff that I don't even know about.
I have other friends. Julia and Amy were really close but both of them started attending this church in Amherst. It sounds like a great church and a wonderful fit for them, but it's about 45 minutes away, and they do stuff 3-4 times a week with their church now and don't have time for extra things. They both have four kids and both home school, and both do a home school co-op together on Mondays. I finally stopped asking them to hang out because between co-op and church they just can't. Perhaps I should keep trying. But Julia didn't even RSVP for Becky's birthday party, she just said she was busy and couldn't come and she had thought she had replied. I assumed she was coming because she didn't say anything, but I guess people get busy and forget to text? I feel like friends would make time for each other. I am trying. But perhaps it is a hard season for them and they can't. Or they've moved on. Wish friendship 'closure' was a thing! Feels like a loose end that needs tying up.
I guess I get it, everyone is forging their own paths. But I am an extrovert and I miss my friends! Melissa, who used to be my best friend, is homesteading and homeschooling and she barely replies to my text messages. I do see her infrequently at some events we both attend--I go to her co-op that she runs with her sister in law when I can make it, and both our girls are in the same piano so paths cross. But I feel like I bother her when I text, or ask to hang out. I stopped asking years ago. She is too busy. And she has family and other friends I think she prioritizes, and that's okay. She's amazing, and the first friend I ever had that deeply encouraged me in my faith walk. I know I idolize her a little much but everyone needs one friend that personifies the proverbs 31 woman, right? Melissa is that person to me, and I love her, and I definitely don't want to be a burden to her by any means! That's not friendship. I think with Melissa---I think I was her friend, but she wasn't my friend. I think I was a project to her a little bit--and I definitely needed to be because I had major issues when we met--me a new Christian and her a fount of wisdom with her 20 years of honoring Christ under her belt, even if we are the same age! And while that is sad to realize, its okay. I told Melissa a lot about myself, and asked for a lot of help and advice, but I wasn't able to give her much in return. Maybe one day I'll be wise enough to have something to offer.
I have a few extremely introverted friends who only want to hang out on a very limited basis, like my friend Emily who also attends my church, and of these friends I try to be respectful. I know I'm overwhelming. Emily is such a sweet introverted friend who I have gotten to know slowly over the years and continue to hang out with maybe once a month.
I think making friends in your 40s is just hard. Everyone has their own lives. I have tried to make new friends but no one seems interested. I'm either too old (lots of people in their 20s have kids my kids age) or in a totally different season of life--some of the people I know in their 40s are grandparents! I am fine being friends with any woman no matter her age, and I know it takes a long time to develop a deep and lasting friendship. But it seemed easier when I was young, single and time seemed endless between work hours. And it seemed easy too when I had toddlers. Now my time is limited because of homeschooling and I am frequently sick with my chronic illness or one of my kids is sick, and things just are not the same.
So here I am complaining on the internet. I would like to think of it more as working though things myself, but who knows. Am I friends with any of the above people? I thought of what would happen if I just stopped texting them. Would they even notice? Are these friendships only one sided? Am I a horrible friend?
(I guess I should say I was used to having 2-3 play dates with friends a week. We now have 0 weekly usually. It's been about one a month. This has also been an adjustment for my kids as well!)
I don't know. Is it just a seasonal thing, and I'll make new friends? I have another friend named Kim who lives an hour away. She is a natural doctor and has 10 kids, many of them grown. She is homeschooling the remaining few, homesteading with her husband doing raw milk, and she has large amounts of clients. But she still texts me sometimes and she came to my birthday party, and that was great. She might be more like a mentor to me than a friend.
Do I need friends? I feel like I do. I miss them and often feel like I'm spinning in circles wishing to be with someone or make plans with someone and there isn't anyone.
Does anyone else feel like this? Where do 40 year olds make friends, anyway. The parks are full of toddler moms when we go who look like 20 somethings. They don't want to talk to me. I don't go to bars and the library is too quiet. Where do I find my tribe? And how did I lose it?
God is good and he will be enough for me in this season. I will cling to him, and deepen my relationship with him while I try to search out good edifying friendships for myself and for my children. All hope is not lost! Maybe I will find the fatal flaw in myself and everything will be okay. Or maybe life will settle down in a few years and people will have more time for friendships and fellowship. For now I will keep on keeping on being lonely and hopeful. And weird.
I finished another shawl. I knit all through fall and winter and as spring slowly warms up here my knitting bug is wearing off. I still have many unfinished projects to work on but no motivation.
This shawl was inspired by Becky. She was telling me how I didn't have any blue shawls to wear with blue things in fall/winter, and thus I gathered up all my blue yarn and started on this. Or maybe she said she wanted a blue shawl? Probably both.
I made this with knitpicks stash yarn and used two worsted weights held together and a large numbered knitting needle. I forget the size. And lots of knitting and purling, obviously. I made up the simple pattern as I went along, trying to mimic waves coming in the shore.
We both love it and we both hope to wear it lots this coming winter.
The first week I just lay around and read books, looked at my phone, did chores I never get to (because toddler) and ate snacks. The second week I started crafting. I feel like myself again, for at least for two hours every evening! Yes, it usually takes an hour to get her to bed, then my husband will join me and chat or he will relax however he wants to. And he puts her to bed with no crying! We've transitioned her to sleep in a toddler bed right next to our bed--but she doesn't stay in it of course. She wakes up around 11 and climbs in bed with me but that's okay--its bliss to go to sleep by myself!
For bedtime, my husband reads books to her, pats her back, turns out the lights...sometimes he will look at videos on his phone with her. It's so great and I am so grateful. We didn't get Reuben out of our bed until he was over 3, and Becky was in bed with us too until 3-- and since she was born when Reuben was 2.5 (yeah we were bed sharing with two kids for awhile) that's SIX YEARS of co-sleeping. I am thunderstruck. I never counted it up like that. Plus Esther. I've been married 13 years and co-sleeping with kids for almost 8 of them.
I did bedtime with Esther for the last 22 months (nursing to sleep, and we contact sleep so...holding her until I go to bed...) and this breather has been amazing.
God is good and he's always giving me gifts.
Esther turns two this may. What another milestone. She's growing up.
It is weird to be almost 40 and go to the park with my kids and meet a 22 year old mom with a baby the same age as mine. Actually, if their mom had them at 20, I could be only a few years younger than their own mother! How mind boggling! But what a blessing to have a baby in my "old age." Hah!
Getting a break and having peace in my home is so nice.
How are you all? Oh, I also packed away my computer so I don't have access to pictures for these blog posts. Maybe I'll go back and add them later when I take it out again...
Eight PM is late, isn't it? For this mom of three with one who still wakes 2-3 times a night, 8 is late. It's almost bedtime!
I was thinking recently about the Ruby Frank case--if you don't know about it, she was a full time family vlogger who was abusing her kids behind the scenes and now is in jail--and all the questions that have come from that. Many people are saying there can be no good in family vlogging and even one of Ruby's own daughters came out and said vlogging is abusive and wrong. I can't remember the exact quote I am sure you can Google it.
So, as someone who used to vlog her kids--from birth to age 5 with Reuben, so Becky was 3--can there be good in family vlogging? Well, Ruby's daughter has only seen the toxic side of it with her mother, of course she is hesitant! But yes, there are good family vloggers. At least I think so! The biggest example of that is Chole and Beans who runs the channel Life With Beans. Her and her husband are full time vloggers (and now they run a online toy/kids clothing store as well) and their vlogs are wholesome, okay for kids to watch, and drama free. You will have to watch them to form your own opinion, but I find them a prime example of good parenting and ethical vlogging.
Was I a good vlogger? I was kinda unhinged. I vlogged for myself because I loved making videos and was suddenly, with the birth of my first child, unable to make knitting and crochet videos (what I was doing before) and thought that vlogging would be a good creative outlet for me that I could accomplish with the added responsibilities of a growing family. And it was fun. Even if I wasn't good at it, it was still fun and my kids and I love to watch back many of those videos to this day!
What would I change, if anything? I perhaps was too personal with my own life in it--but I am an extrovert that does not have many boundaries and I don't mind sharing. My kids were babies and toddlers. Why did I quit? It was two-fold. When Reuben got older, things just got awkward. Filming my life with littles was soul stretching for me and felt wholesome, but with older kids, who were getting shy--it felt invasive. Honestly, Reuben was starting to not like it, and his needs were changing and I needed to change to meet his needs. So I stopped. It simply wasn't the season for it, and now with homeschooling, a burgeoning chronic illness and adding a third (amazing) daughter to our family, I don't have the time to figure out if it's a feasible thing, much less think about the morality!
What do you think? We as parents make so many choices for our kids--since they cannot make them on their own. They can't choose between homeschooling or public school, they can't choose what kind of car you drive or what type of diet you feed them, or even the color of the carpet. We moms and dads are tasked with the responsibility of caring and maintaining the atmosphere and emotional well-being of our kids. Thus, obviously, the choices we make will look different for each family, but that's the beauty of caring for our kids. They are ours and they need different things. So while vlogging may work for some, it might not for others--and that's okay. As long as we are keeping our kids safe and loving, honoring and respecting them as persons, I think a few videos can be a fun addition to the family memory vault.
